Sorry - this is a subject that really hits home, I'll try to be brief but probably won't be.
I speak as a complete and utter failure in school. Grade school through highschool, never went to college. I put my parents through living hell. Constantly failing in school, constantly in trouble. Drugs, drinking. I broke my family, and turned my parents against each other.
My father's approach was "beat some sense into him" - which only aggravated the problem. Fighting at home, fighting in school, so much fighting.
There were two people that turned my life around; A psychologist, and my highschool drafting teacher.
The psychologist (I went through many - they're not all the same) was a HUGE help. We discussed issues in a grown up way and she led me to be more open minded. She respected my opinions no matter how silly they were, she always brought me around to see it for myself. She gave me self confidence.
My drafting teacher saw that I had a good brain and had some talent. He encouraged me, and challenged me.
I was very used to being the problem child in any class - instead he made me feel like I was the best in the class, and that's what I became.
He continued challenging me into some very advanced stuff. He taught me more about math than any math teacher ever did or would. He showed me that I had more potential than I ever realized, giving me even more self confidence.
I went on to become a draftsman, learned about computers through CAD - rose up in the computer industry, and now own a software development company. Not trying to brag, but I can say with full certainty that it NEVER, EVER would have happened without those two people.
But it's hard to just "be" that kind of leader to a kid. even though that's exactly what some kids need - Somebody to have faith in them, to not assume they're stupid or lazy. Not to coddle them, but also not to try to force them into improving.
Give a kid a positive reason to do better, and it'll always work better than a threat if they don't. (and I'm not talking gifts)
Prove to the kid they CAN do better, on their own.
I wish it were as easy as it sounds, but it takes the right chemistry. Sometimes you have to admit you're NOT that person. It doesn't mean you're a bad parent or doing something wrong, it's just "chemistry" that you can't control.
I HIGHLY recommend counseling, keep trying till you find someone that HAS the right chemistry with the kid.
And watch the movie Good Will Hunting! It's a little over the top with the super genius kid, but it's EXACTLY what I'm talking about with chemistry. Problem children rarely turn themselves around - it usually takes a role model or external positive influence that they connect to for whatever unknown reason
The key is - don't give up. Don't let your kid rip your family apart. Know that there is hope, and all this teenage crap will just be a distant memory soon.
Your kid used to )(#*$ his pants too - and that's behind you, isn't it?
Remember the cell phone isn't the problem - whether he gets one or not really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Using the phone to alter his school performance probably isn't going to work. It's not the root cause of trouble, so don't get too hung up on it, and certainly don't let the issue (or simlar issues) divide you and your wife. Talk with her, work as a team - remember if there was a definitive Right and Wrong way to raise a child, there'd be a manual and this would all be very easy. So don't be too quick to say she's wrong and you're right - it's never that simple. Discuss it.
Start with couseling, and be involved with it.
I have my mother to thank for forcing me through counseling. Trust me - I didn't want it and my father CERTAINLY didn't want to pay for it - but she stuck to her guns. It was a last resort.
The results were anything but immediate, but in the long run it did me a lot of good.
You won't change a person overnight. Look for little wins. A good decision they make here, a slightly better grade there. It'll slowly come together if you keep trying.
And if not - you can at least take comfort in the fact that you tried your best.
Good luck
This post was edited by JRSutton at 06:54:11 11/28/12.
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