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10000% OT, but how to deal with this.

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old

05-06-2007 20:57:30




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Well my dad is back in the hospital again twice in the last 2 months. Hes look at surgery for a blocked colon. Hes 83.5, has a bad heart , altimerze and diabetic. Any more he doesn't do much of any thing other then sit and read books. My mom whos the same age is of course tring to deal with it but shes also not doing it well. So at what point do you say enough is enough. Ya I get he fun of saying its enough. Please no - input on this as its hard enough to deal with as it is. I also have to deal with my sister and brother who get 0 say in it buts thats what my parnets wanted so I get to make the big decision on it

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Hal/WA

05-07-2007 21:49:30




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to old, 05-06-2007 20:57:30  
I'm so sorry. I lost my Dad 13 years ago, one week after his 80th birthday. To my knowledge, he lived the longest of any male in his family line--most had died between 65 and 70. He was lucky enough to have had open heart surgery available to him and at 62, he had 4 bypasses, or he probably would not have made it to 65. My parents had a wonderful 18 years of retirement, with lots of travel to interesting places.

But during the last year of my Dad's life, he had several bad heart attacks and a couple of little ones. They finally decided to do bypass surgery again, but found that the damage to his heart from the attacks was too severe. He did not survive the surgery.

My Dad's mind was just fine and other than his heart and a little gout, he was very healthy. He wanted to keep living and figured the 75% odds the doctors had given him of being helped by the surgery was a bet he had to take. He and I talked late into the night before the surgery and got some stuff said that needed to be said. I sure didn't expect to have him die.

My Dad was one of my closest friends, and I was his favorite child all my life. I still miss him terribly, and would do just about anything to be able to talk to him again. I sure hope to see him in heaven...

It sure is hard to watch our parents and their contemporaries get old and die. Good luck with your parents. May the decisions you make be ones that are the best for all concerned, and ones that you can be comfortable with.

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Vito

05-07-2007 19:32:13




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to old, 05-06-2007 20:57:30  
Old, I lost my father on March 7, 2007.He had lymphoma and it got him real quick.It is still some real hard times for me.He was 80 years old.Think of how your Dad would want to live his life. It helps me to feel that my fathers passing was quick.Ten days when released form the hospital.It was a blessing not to see him suffer for a long time. He elected not to due chemotherapy, as he felt tired and weak , and had never felt that way his whole life. He worked till he was 78 years young.My thoughts and prayers go out to you in these hard times that you are facing.
God Bless,
Vito

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Ludwig

05-07-2007 13:15:04




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to old, 05-06-2007 20:57:30  
You might read up on Art Buchwald and his fight with kidney failure. Pretty interesting stuff in a somewhat similar situation.



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Steven@AZ

05-07-2007 11:57:08




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to old, 05-06-2007 20:57:30  
My thoughts and prayers are with you in this difficult time.



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730virgil

05-07-2007 10:34:09




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to old, 05-06-2007 20:57:30  
about a year ago my mom had a brain bleed kinda like a stroke. doc and nurses did what they could to make her comfortable. they could have done the heroics and had surgery. doc said why? just give her lots of pain and not much other for her as she wouldn't recover anyhow. was hard but we let her go.



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730virgil

05-07-2007 10:41:48




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to 730virgil, 05-07-2007 10:34:09  
i don't envy you. don't 2nd guess yourself afterward.



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Walt Davies

05-07-2007 08:34:49




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to old, 05-06-2007 20:57:30  
If he can read books then his mind hasn't completely gone he may be just tired of listening to all the flap about his getting Old and has shut down his Tolerance level of the bickering family over what to do with him. Old people have a way of getting even with the younger ones who won't jump to their every whim. My wife is 82 this month and she has not tolerance for her two daughters and very little for the grandchildren. I have to put up with this as I know she is in better health than she puts on at times. When she wants to do something she can get up and go pretty good, but let me want to do something and she can play that Old poor is me thing.
Any way this is a family matter between you and your siblings your mother and the doctor and that's where you should be taking this matter not that we don't want to give advice and help but its really not up to us to do this. Its a very personal decision that you and the family need to make without others sticking there heads in. I know its sounds like I'm not very nice but you will be better off later on if you keep it a family matter and please include all of your family so as not to make one mad at the rest. Well anyway that's my opinion take it for what you want and please think it all over very good and don't rush into anything that will come back to haunt you later on.
Walt 68 and getting there.

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flying belgian

05-07-2007 07:14:18




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to old, 05-06-2007 20:57:30  
Consult with doctor, hospital social worker, clergy-person if you believe and then reach way down in your soul. Then make the decission that feels right for you. After words if someone questions you just walk away as it's none of their buisiness.



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two mile

05-07-2007 04:42:53




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to old, 05-06-2007 20:57:30  
It all comes down to one word, "Respect".



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two mile

05-07-2007 04:55:33




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to two mile, 05-07-2007 04:42:53  
My appologies. I just re-read your post and I crossed the line with my own advice. I didn't respect your no post request.



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Bobfish1

05-07-2007 04:36:54




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to old, 05-06-2007 20:57:30  
Lost Mom last January to cancer after a very short time and she took care of Dad all the time. After Mom died he was trying to take care of him self but after an illness a month ago he had to go to a care facility for a time. He will never go home now as he is getting better care and there are more people to talk to. He sees the family more now but you can see he misses home and it really makes you feel bad. Just one more thing to have on your mind but maybe a little piece of mind too. Good Luck on everything.

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Oldmax

05-07-2007 04:22:10




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to old, 05-06-2007 20:57:30  
Old I went through this with My mother in 2002 in and out of hosp with congestive heart problems Passed away at 82 she lived a good life until last 6 months . lost Dad at age 61 . I was working days and watching her nights , hired someone to watch her days . I have one sister that lived 250 miles from here . No Help No Money . Just hang in there and do all you can Make choices when you have to I know it will be right one .

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Jim in NC

05-07-2007 03:59:12




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to old, 05-06-2007 20:57:30  
Old, my thoughts and prayers are with you. My wife and I have been caring for my mother for over a year now with very little help from other family members. Think about what you would like to be done for you if you were in this position. Ask for God's help. He will guide you.



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Midwest redneck

05-07-2007 02:49:23




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to old, 05-06-2007 20:57:30  
9 years ago my grandfather went into the hospital for a blockage in his small intestine. He was 83 yrs old and he survived the surgery but he got a real bad infection that put him in a coma in 2 days and he died 1 week after the surgery. If your dad can have the surgery and survive then great. What other alternatives does he have?



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Traditional Farmer

05-07-2007 02:37:21




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to old, 05-06-2007 20:57:30  
We faced this a couple years ago first I'd consider what his feelings were on the matter and I would also consult my sister and brother and get their advice.Then you just have to do what you honestly think would be best



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vitzarus

05-07-2007 01:26:14




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to old, 05-06-2007 20:57:30  
From experience, whatever you don"t do for him now will be lived another day. It goes without saying I"m with you in this turmoil and the...



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Davis In SC

05-06-2007 23:15:46




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to old, 05-06-2007 20:57:30  
Old, I know it is a tough time for you... I remember going through this when my Dad was ill. Stay strong, for your Dad, and be careful not to neglect your own health and well-being... During trying times, it is not uncommon for family members to have some strong disagreements, due to the stress.. Just hang in there and do what you feel is the right thing to do...



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JMS/MN

05-06-2007 22:58:07




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to old, 05-06-2007 20:57:30  
Not an easy answer to this situation, faced by many now a days. My Dad died young, from cancer and stroke, age 61, when I was 23. Mom died when I was 44, after she had multiple hospitalizations, and it was difficult to see the DNR (Do not resusicate) sign on her bed, but we knew it was for the best. Dealing with your parent(s)- think back to conversations about what they told you about how they wanted to face their ending days, quality of life issues, etc. Good time to share with your offspring about your concerns, facing the same. Will make the same decisions easier for them. Good time for Living Will discussions. Whatever you decide---the prayers of the board posters will be with you and yours.

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georgeky

05-06-2007 22:06:15




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to old, 05-06-2007 20:57:30  
Old I feel for you and you dad. It is a tough thing to deal with. And to be the decision maker is tough. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. george.



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Dave BN

05-06-2007 21:40:22




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to old, 05-06-2007 20:57:30  
Old, Went thru Alzimers with my mother. Her mind was bad by age 65 but she was in good health. We refused treatment for her pneumonia at age 75 when her mind was so bad that she didn't know who I or my brother was, nor did she know who she was. Very difficult decision. Good luck with your dad. Dave



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Jonfarmer

05-06-2007 21:23:54




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 Re: 10000% OT, but how to deal with this. in reply to old, 05-06-2007 20:57:30  
I don't know in your case just how bad off your father is, but you need to look at his quality of life afterwards, if all you can see is suffering for him, then maybe you should consider letting him go, but otherwise, he might just have a few good years left.
Hope this helps,



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