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Father inlaw is on his last days with cancer, need

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Midwest redneck

08-17-2006 08:52:11




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As some of you may remember I sent out a message at the end of last year saying that my FIL has bladder cancer and he would have about a year to live etc. My Mother inlaw is at his side in the hospital 10 hrs. per day and my FIL has had last rites given to him and he has told my MIL that he wants to go now and he is ready to go. Here is my questions for you guys, my Mother inlaw will likely need help with funeral expenses, (do I offer assistance, or offer to buy one of their 2 Ford Explorers, or do nothing) I dont want to insult or offend. They have a 1998 and a 2002, (I would offer $$ for the 98) It would give my MIL cash and it would make it so that she wouldnt have to pay insurance payments on 2 trucks. As far as time off of work, should I take off all the days of the funeral visiting. My wife is taking it in strides and is visiting my FIL once per week or so in the hospital. My FIL can walk a little, eat a little and last week his blood pressure dropped to 40 over 30 and he collapsed while getting out of bed, he was taken by ambulance to the hospital. I have never seen anyone with terminal cancer and how it affects a person. The cancer is now in his bone marrow and is in his spine. The Chemo treatments are going to be stopped now because it is wiping out his immune system. I guess the old saying is true...nice people die early. FYI----(dont smoke, you WILL get cancer.) my FIL is 59 years old, just retired 3 years ago. He smoked 2 packs of Winstons for 40 years. He quit cold turkey last November. Real sad.

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Joe in MN

08-17-2006 22:45:29




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 Re: Father inlaw is on his last days with cancer, in reply to Midwest redneck, 08-17-2006 08:52:11  
Sorry to hear of your troubles --- I have a question for you --- what is Last Rites ?? expense wise, have to talked about Cremation -- that's the cheapest route to take, no need for a casket or cemetery lot --- that may help...



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Midwest redneck

08-18-2006 02:22:50




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 Re: Father inlaw is on his last days with cancer, in reply to Joe in MN, 08-17-2006 22:45:29  
I am not catholic but my FIL is in a Catholic hospital and I guess last rites are where a Priest comes to you and gives you a prayer, (maybe even a baptism if you never were baptized) and Holy Communian (spelling error).



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Davis In SC

08-17-2006 21:04:25




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 Re: Father inlaw is on his last days with cancer, in reply to Midwest redneck, 08-17-2006 08:52:11  
Most reputable Funeral Homes realize that families are sometimes not able to pay everything at once. There often are delays, while waiting for life insurance, probate, etc. I have nothing but good things to say about the FH that took care of arrangements for both of my parents. The Director actually discouraged us from opting for some things, telling us it was not neccesary.. As a rule, I think the bad reputation many funeral homes get is undeserved. I sure would not want that job, but I am thankful that they are there to help people during such a difficult time...

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Midwest redneck

08-18-2006 02:27:44




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 Re: Father inlaw is on his last days with cancer, in reply to Davis In SC, 08-17-2006 21:04:25  
In 1998 my granddad died and my dad set up the funeral, he is the oldest son. My granddads funeral was $16,000 and the casket was $7,000, (that is alot of money) The casket was made of Pecan and was super nice, it was a shame that it was going into the ground. My granddads funeral was very nice, VFW guys were there, full military ceremony, my granddad was a WW2 officer in the Army air corp. I know that the cemetary plot was prepaid for my granddad.

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Davis In SC

08-18-2006 20:07:27




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 Re: Father inlaw is on his last days with cancer, in reply to Midwest redneck, 08-18-2006 02:27:44  
In 2000, we paid about 7,000 for our Dad's Funeral. Plot was already there. Beautiful Oak casket, Visitation, services at the FH, 2 family cars. Nothing elaborate, but a very dignified service. Dad was a quiet country gentleman that did not want anything too fancy..



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Boley

08-17-2006 20:46:32




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 Re: Father inlaw is on his last days with cancer, in reply to Midwest redneck, 08-17-2006 08:52:11  
Sorry about the trouble you are having.I recommend against buying any of their property at this time.Let the funeral home do with what they think MIL has,help her out with money after it's over.These people can smell a dollar and know exactly how to work a person until the scent is gone.I've told my family to buy the cheapest casket that I won't fall out the bottom of between the church and cemetary.It's not a big deal what gauge metal or quality of gaskets or fabric lining is used.There is hardly any noticable difference in the least expensive service and the more costly ones.The deceased rides in a Cadillac either way.The preacher can make the most memorable effect on the service,pay him well the night before,and tell him what you expect him to say.Being there for your wife is all important,lost wages can be made up,not supporting her at this stressful and sad time cannot.Good luck wish to your wifes family getting thru this ordeal smoothly.

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jimNCal

08-17-2006 17:16:19




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 Re: Father inlaw is on his last days with cancer, in reply to Midwest redneck, 08-17-2006 08:52:11  
If you can make a discreet check to the funeral home, when she goes in to make arrangements, all they will need to say is, "it has already been taken care of". Better to beg forgiveness later than ask permission now. My .02

God bless,

jim



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37 chief

08-17-2006 14:46:39




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 Re: Father inlaw is on his last days with cancer, in reply to Midwest redneck, 08-17-2006 08:52:11  
I am sorry to hear of your Father Inlaw's illness. Having gone through the death of my Mother, and Father over the years it is hard on the family. Since the end in neer for your Father Inlaw, it is time for a family meeting now to see what finances are needed. Are there brothers or sisters that can assist? It is a hard thing to do, but you will need to make funeral arrangements before he passes. The more you get done now will be easier on the family. I wouldn't make any offer on the auto's at this time. Did you check with your employer they might have time off for family death's. Will keep your family in my prayers. stan

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Midwest redneck

08-17-2006 16:32:42




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 Re: Father inlaw is on his last days with cancer, in reply to 37 chief, 08-17-2006 14:46:39  
I work for a small company, 18 people, I already talked to the boss and he says take what I need. I will likely take 2 days. As far as the sister inlaw, her and her husband have no money and are broke. My FIL has a brother who has some money and may help out with funeral expenses but I dont know.



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John in Ct

08-17-2006 14:11:39




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 Re: Father inlaw is on his last days with cancer, in reply to Midwest redneck, 08-17-2006 08:52:11  
Sorry to hear about your father in law. You are in a no win situation. If you offer to help financially ,do what your wife wants . Also, be careful financially that you don't get taken to the cleaners. Watch those funerial directors, they know how to use emotion to pad their pockets. When it is time to Pass the hat, you wouldn't believe family members who will put their hands in their pockets and yet, be the first to put their hands out if they can get something for theirselves. Trust me, stay away from the Explorer . Your FIL is still alive and someone will say you are greedy if you buy it even though that isn't the case. If you end up buying it you took your mother in law but at the same time, if another family member buys it for less/ nothing then what a saint they were for helping.

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Brian in NY

08-17-2006 12:27:59




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 Re: Father inlaw is on his last days with cancer, in reply to Midwest redneck, 08-17-2006 08:52:11  
Sorry to hear about your FIL. That can't be easy to go through. You might have seen my post last week about my friend who is dying of intestinal cancer. From the input I received there I really felt like I got on the right track.

I think you have to offer to help any way you possibly can. Don't be shy about offering, but don't expect an immediate yes or even an immediate answer.

As far as the time off....your wife will only ever bury one father....you should be there as much as you possibly can. She'll certainly remember how you handled it for years. I know it is no fun....I buried three uncles in three months this past year and burned up alot of vacation time, but I feel better having spent the time.

Good luck, all the best to you and yours.

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don t.-9n180179

08-17-2006 09:57:54




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 Re: Father inlaw is on his last days with cancer, in reply to Midwest redneck, 08-17-2006 08:52:11  
Sorry about your FIL. Prayers to your family.

There will be many people during the services. The hard part comes after all the services are done and over, when things are nice and quiet. You may need more days off after vs during, all depends. When my FIL passed, we put his bill on my credit card. MIL paid the bill when the insurance came thru.

You can always cancel the car ins on 1 or both cars if needed. Park em in the garage until she's ready.

Make sure your wife and MIL keep their health up. Eat regular, fluids, normal medications can all get lost in the shuffle, not not be "as important". Good luck.....don t. ....

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JDknut

08-17-2006 09:06:37




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 Re: Father inlaw is on his last days with cancer, in reply to Midwest redneck, 08-17-2006 08:52:11  
Sorry to hear that, my thoughts and prayers to you and family. As to what to do, that's a tough one. You might offer to help without being specific, maybe your wife can help on that score, seeing as how it's her family and she knows the dynamics better. I don't know about an unsolicited offer to buy a vehicle. With all that is going on right now, I'm not so sure his wife would be thinking about selling a vehicle at this immediate point in time. But then again, I'm not there and don't know the family dynamics. I'd just play it by ear, let them know you are there to give support. Not sure if this helps, I wish you well in this tough time.

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Case Lady

08-17-2006 09:02:23




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 Re: Father inlaw is on his last days with cancer, in reply to Midwest redneck, 08-17-2006 08:52:11  
First and foremost, prayers are said and sent for your family. Second, talk to your wife and find out her druthers. Just went through this in July for the 3rd time. I am a loner and prefer to take care of details on my own, however, when it comes to the visitation times and actual funeral, it really helped having someone there to lean on. If she tells you to go ahead and work, take her at her words to a certain extent, but make sure you are there with her during these critical times. As far as the money goes - again talk to your wife and maybe both of you approach MIL and let her know that you want to help, but you understand that she wants to do things on her own, but that it would help you out if you had an extra vehicle - or something along those lines. Whatever you decide to do, do it as a couple and do it with love. Also, realize, that the hard part will come after the funeral - when everyone realizes that he is gone - that is the hardest part of all.

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