OT: dont know what to do...wife probs.

Anyways, my wife goes ahead and sends my dad a letter saying that she was trying to help him and that he obvously didnt appreciate her help and that she was never ever going to help him with anything again.
My dad gets this letter and cant sleep. He fires off a 5 page letter back to her that is pretty nasty...he told me he was going to do this and I intercepted the letter. He tells her about how terrible it is putting up with her crap over the years...many, many many problems....
She hasnt seen this letter yet....

Anyway, here we are...I too have many problems with her attitude and general state of the marriage. SInce we married, she wont go to church any longer and says that if we had a childh, she wouldnt want the kid to go to churck

She is on 7-8 medications, including depression medicine for the last 3 years. She had said many hurtfull things to me about myself and her beliefs...I cannot see myself having children with her, but I want kids in my life. Many in my family dont talk to her becasue of things she has said to them over the years.

We have been seeing a marriage counselor for 1 year....it hasnt helped much.
Each day I come home from work and she is napping...she doesnt cook, if I ask about it, I catch heck....she went to law school, but wont take the bar exam.,she has a good job with the state however.

I know my marriage vows are for better or worse, sickness and health...and I really and torn by this.
So here I am at this stage, I dont know if I shoudl stay or go. How much can a person take or shoudl they take before it is better to be single or look elsewere for companionship?
Family is important to me and she doenst seem to get the picture that she has to be nice to others.
I predict that if this doesnt end now, it will be much worse in 5 years, once my returement and assets grow, right now, she doesnst have much, I have saved a lot...I know she will get 1/2 of it, I will get 1/2 of her clothes...yippee...
Please let me have your comments....

Thanks for any advice you can offer.

You probably need to loose the family either way and stand on your own 2 feet. Every time you leave home walk a block further. Otherwise next time you want a wife you need to explain she's marrying the whole family and all their bad habits as well. Good luck.

Sounds like your pops might be a bit of a problem as well since he certainly could have handled his end of the process much better than he did. He could have put himself in her shoes and responded in a way that he would like others to respond to his efforts to help.

Like others have said, "There are always two sides to every story".

Get off this site and decide to work with your wife in a mutually beneficial manner. She may decide that you aren't worth the time and trouble either.

I've been divorced twice, and good sound advise is to listen to yourself. If it walks like a duck, amd quacks like a duck, well you know.

There is no worldly comfort dealing with the devistation when we are faced with the fact that the person that you would have given your last drop of blood for would like to see that last drop drip from your heart by her stepping on it.

I have great respect for those who can keep it together. I have lots and lots of respect for those that have been married for 25 plus years, yet they can be thankful that perhaps they are not starting up in the ---todays world. Let them brag about knowing all the answers, and credit being bible holders if it makes them feel good. From now on you will realize they haven't got a clue for the most part, and you will never convince them it could have happened to them. JUST don't let that part get you down. Divorce is a terrible cancer in our society, and no one knows the answers. When we do not have the answers we must then deal with it. You are going to hear those exact words (deal with it)alot in the months ahead.

I certianly respect your religion. You no doubt think you have let the Lord, your wife, the system as well as youself down. Maybe not as much as it seems right now.

Marriage conselors have a batting average like our weathermen, not so good that is, and maybe tomorrow they will get it right.

I certianly chime in on the no children means no hurt children, that is without question the darkest it gets. Having a one persons opinion decide on who gets the kids, who gets to pay the bills, who gets the possesions, viitation, child support, medical insurance, and all that stuff is simply a crock of horse crap. There should be a jury to decide this, as we use jurys to decide on who was at falt for a bent fender. But that is what we have to ----deal with---.

I help with a unoficial support group for the uncertian spouces that has a bad hand delt to them. Seldom does it ever go without fear of the unknown, and many times there is a third party involved.

You have a golden opertunity to deal with matters before the attorneys get involved sucking the last cent out of your wallet. Get your ducks in a row and give it your best shot to make it work within reason. You are certianly unhappy, and my guess is she is to. A good rule of thumb is to have me ask you the exact questions you just asked, what advise could you give me if you were not involed? Most times we know the answer, just hate to admit it to others or ourselves for that matter.

I wish you the very best of luck, and I certianly hope you can live happy together forever. But I will sign off with these words that have alot of meaning in your time of need.

Sleeping alone is not necesarly the lonliest time you will experiance, some one in bed with you can be far worse as you probably well know by now.

The other advise is WRITE IT DOWN regardless what it is as long as it may be somewhat negative. Your attorney can not make things up nor can he give general time frames etc. Your attorney must sort through your notes that have dates and times,and witnesses. You darn right you might forget--- so----- wright it down. Do not get careless with your notes, cell phone records, phone calls etc. as they somehow seem to be found by others. And I'm hear to tell you that OTHERS do not always play fair in court. So keep your amunition, till you have to use it. Amunition is for the court room, not when your temper decides to tell the OTHER person off. Others must never ever know what lies ahead till it goes off like a gernade ---IN THE COURT ROOM----(one of the biggest mistakes made)

The uncertianty is goint to kick you in the gut more often than you can possibly understand at this point, but it does get better. The sun will shine again. I would not wish this on my worse enemy.

I am not Catholic, but we are very fortunate to have a active Catholic charities in our comunity that has helped many down and out folks regardless of their religious beliefs.

So try to get some sleep---yea I understand---I said try to get some sleep, it is going to get better, and I hope soon for you.

Definately do not have children until you get it all figured out. You both need to be more open with eachother & discuss what is going on between you both. There is always going to be good times & bad times. You just need to work TOGETHER to get through the bad times. If you both don't put effort into the relationship then how is it going to work?

No one can tell you what you really want. You & her need to figure out what happened to the original love & happiness. You had to have been happy together at one point, otherwise why did you get married? If you are really meant to be together then you both will find a way to work it out. Don't just give up, but if you both decide that it isn't worth it anymore just remember it is not the end of the world. There are other people out there. I believe in soul mates, but even soul mates need to work through problems together.

Good Luck!

Don't run home to the folks. Learn to live by yourself, that is when you will learn who you are, what is important.
SDE

My wife watches too much Dr. Phil and I always get the abbreviated version of the days events.

The only comment that I can give you is that YOUR life is made up of the choices that you make. Are you happy with the choice you made and is this the way you want to live out the rest of your life? If so, then thats the choice you make.

If you bought a bad tractor that was nothing but trouble, how much more time and money do you think you should put into it to try and get it working the way you think it should? You may really like the way the tractor looks, the color, the .....it may be a real good looker, but what if this tractor ain't ever gonna be right.

Now, some of you may say that comparing your wife to a tractor is wrong, and thats not really what Im trying to convey. SO lets compare your wife to a horse..... ..uhhh....ok, maybe not.

You have been going to counseling for a year, right?? In my humble opinion, counseling is designed to fix someone..... ..... .to fix WHO? YOU?

Anyway, my advise is to choose wisely. Choose to be happy.

R

Ive been through it and it sucks I know, you just have to wake op one morning and make the call

( besides.. if her legal advice is that bad.. maybee she will represent herself and make a bad showing of it??? )

best of luck.

Soundguy

Also, your dad kind of sounds like a baby or an instigator or something judging by his response to her trying to help, if she was wrong he could of just let it go instead of being a smart a$$.

Divorce (even if no children are involved) is destroying our country. Ask any school teacher; I'm sure they'll agree.

Glenn FitzGerald

Not a good situation. In the long run I lucked out by having a fluke accident/incident that ended up breaking an engagement with a decent women. I felt unsettled about if for years then happened across her with her family while I was with my family. Talk about thanking God for unanswered prayers. Don't get me wrong the broken engagement women is a fine lady, but she's carrying some heavy baggage. I can't begin to understand how I fortunate I was to have a women that my family knew. She called and said she needed an escort for a social function. Happened twice infact. I always knew her but had never thought of checking her out. 18 good years to date & three children the patient, long suffering dear has given.

Dear Abby,

I"ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on
what could be a crucial decision. I"ve suspected for some time now
that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although
when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from
work, you don"t know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she
always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off,
as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she
wasn"t in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what
time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never
touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think
deep down I just didn"t want to know the truth, but last night she
went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to
the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the
whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching
behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine
seemed to be leaking a little oil.

So I was wondering, is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Walt PS my wife and I don't agree much on religion I don't go to church and she does but we have worked that out for over 32 years now.

I remember feeling so ashamed for filing that I didn't go to church for several months. Finally, I felt I needed to go. The sermon was about how big a sin it was to divorce, the pastor went on and on about it. I have since quit going to church and have remarried after being single for 7 years. I tell everyone that I am having marital problems, my wife keeps nagging me to buy more tractors and I don't know what to do with her! She is not only my wife, but my very best friend. We have been married for over 15 years.

If your wife is unreasonable then you will not be able to reason with her. You can try a counselor, I did, the experience was a total waste of time in my particular case.

Good luck, and get a lawyer to represent you that has handled several divorces and is 50+ years old.

You arent living your life like you describe, you are dying. Cut your losses.

I speak from experience when I say that it is far easier to turn to anger and throw away your marriage than it is to stay and win her over. But, we always have to remember christ left us with a choice to follow or to sin. If she wants to continue down the wrong road you have every right to give her a boot on the way out. Good Luck and prayers for your peace in a decision

Doctors have also found a food that causes women to start acting like this,it affects all of them. Oh ,that food is wedding cake !!!!! !!!!! !

Don't have kids with her and get out before it's too late. Just be glad you saw this in just a few years and not several more.

The best thing you can do, is get together and have a serious discussion about the things that seem so embedded in her personality and yours, and verify the things that you describe are genuine to her and will not change, meaning you will never agree on or see eye to eye about. You really need to know the truth about all things between you, try to do it in a civil, mature, friendly, but serious manner. If there is no way things can be worked on or you can help each other in this, very difficult to be happy together, then you have to make the decision after you have given serious consideration the issues at hand. People do make mistakes when getting married, it is very unfortunate, the only thing that can happen is they both figure out how to change, grow or part their seperate ways so that both cna find the happiness they deserve. Religion is a very personal issue, chores and domestic things around the house are things both need to contribute to so that neither has an unequal share.

Personally, I have always done cooking, laundry, and cleaning, it's really appreciated when someone does these things for me, I can't see myself depending on woman to do these things in these modern times, many resent those old school roles and many husbands abuse the situation, everything in life always gets done by hard work and dedication, when two people are together, something fair has to work out or it's lop sided and that is not fair.

I wish the best for both of you, it's not easy by any means, there is no doubt about that, you do your best and never give up until things become impossible, which may be the case now.

--- BTDT

Your time has come to fold yore cards and walk away.

He does not answer to someone who does not answer their hearts.

Bringing a child into an already unhappy/unstable marriage is NEVER a solution.

On the other hand by reading the text and spelling, she will end up the lucky one if this is not written by a 5 grader.

Lemme tell you something.... You said she doesn't really agree with you about going to church anymore and that if you had a kid, she wouldn't want him/her going.

I gather that your biggest priority is to God, and not to some stupid woman.

Think about what I just said, and I pray you will make your decision safely.

Can't even hug her to make her feel better, hugging her starts a panic attack most days. She doesn't want to get help, just wants to be able to have a baby now

I'm gonna stick it out until I crack I think, it was a promise I made. Don't think this baby is a good idea until stuff gets fixed.