O/T time for some humor

Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us !!!!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said,
'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!
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Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
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'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
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SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'


TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
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DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went Through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

those are great thanks,not looking forward to that!

Looking forward to what? lol

I'm not sure,what was I........................

Gee, I dunno. What were we talking about anyway?

As soon as I can find my laptop I will write a response to this, now where did I leave .........

I can relate to the hearing one...............

Good afternoon young lady:
My lovely wife of go on 35 years would tell you before we got married he was a great guy, and He still today but he has been tested for C.H.F.C { CANT HEAR FOR CRAP}
And C.R.C. { CANT REMEMBER CRAP. Now the Doc, has told her, that happens quit often after when men get married, and there is treatment for it. Other than make him carry a pad of paper and a pen. But she will also say I still love him.
JR.Frye

My son and I were going to a convention in another state last week. I do not drive anymore so he was in control. We were going through Tulsa Oklahoma which has a unreal congested highway network merging this way and that with very poor signage and a lot of constuction. I was a silent co-driver with my hands resting on my knees and would move my finger to silently indicate a turn. DAD CUT IT OUT!!!! About that time I notice a exit change marked on the highway surface. I did bother to move a finger. Fifteen miles later. WHERE ARE WE?? We had to go thirty miles out of the way to get on the Turnpike. I just relaxed and enjoyed the ride.
gitrib

It's right there on your lap, CJ- Oh, and your reading glasses are up on top of your head.

Glad I could help.

Also happens to 30+ year olds.

Shortly after we were married, we were talking about something and you called me "John".

Realizing the mistake, you quickly apologized for calling me "John".

Not to be outdone, I replied "That's OK, Kathy!"

And then the fight started. . .

People here at work hate it when their wife calls and I answer the phone..
"this is bubba's wife, is he there"?
"yes Ma'am, just a second"...

"Bubba, telephone!!!"
"who is it?"
"sounds about like the lady you introduced me to the other day, claudia I think"

I don't put people on hold either....

It was in June of "88. We had been married 3 months and were moving into the apartment in Seagoville. I had a long day dealing with the movers and getting things unpacked and put away. You came home from work and we were downstairs in the walk way. I was fussing because the moving bill was far more than the estimate.

Do you remember now?

Nancy tells me that I'm gonna get somebody killed.

Phone rings at night and wakes me up.

I answer the phone, man on other end asks "Is ******* there?"

I reply "She's lying here next to me asleep, want me to wake her?"

Phone rings at night and wakes me up.

I answer the phone, woman on other end asks "Is ******* there?"

I reply "He's spending the night over at his girlfriend's place, want me to take a message?"

Since I'm in the Witness Protection Program, our phone is unlisted and in Nancy's maiden name.

I went to my 50th high school reunion a few years ago. I sat at a table with a former classmate and his wife. I said,"I'd like you to meet my wife, Cathy". My wife's name is Barbara; Cathy is the ex...DUH!

Good Ones Nancy!

Two old maids who lived together for years. One got the idea the other one was stepping out on her, so she said lets be frank with each other. The other gal said O.K. , You be Frank tonight and I"ll be Frank tomorrow night.