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More o/t funny things Dad used to say

P

Philip d

Well-known Member
I'm sure my Dad wasn't the only one that had blunt get to the point life lessons. Every time I thought we needed something on the farm we couldn't afford he always said,"Want in one hand $hit in the other see which one fills up the quickest" lol
 
Usually after I screwed something up my excuse would start "I just thought...." He would respond "If you'd have been thinking, you wouldn't have thought that."
 
Heard that one more than once. He spoke in German for those instances when he tried to cloak his words. Some others were "if ifs and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have a merry Christmas." He had an esoteric way of understating and would often say "if the good lord intended everyone to see the sunrise he would have made it come at noon" when referring to someone a little slow on the take. This one always went in German, "if the hound wouldn't have stopped to take a s#!&, he would have caught the hare." when showing his displeasure for our excuses.
 
If you did something right He would slug you in the chest and say what do you want a medal or the chest ta pin it on.
 
If a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his rear. I have also heard many of the others below. A neighbor would say Worthless as teats on a boar hog.
 
One of my Dad's favorites was (when I was a teenager) : "One day you will find out where the Hen$hit freezes."
Meaning, I think, that I had a lot to learn yet about life.
 
"If you sleep with dogs you get fleas"
"Wish I was as smart as he thinks he is"
"A man with good credit never gets mad when you ask to check his credit"
 
My dad would say: "it won't break if it stays parked"meaning it's getting used for it to break in the first place
 
"I'll scratch a poor mans a$$ as long as I live". It took me years to figure that one out but I'm carrying on the family tradition. TDF
 
He's so stupid he couldn't pour pi$$ out of a boot if you told him instructions are written on the heel.
 
When frustrated about some thing that wasn't working out Dad would say "This is like fighting Indians with a broken Rifle"
 
that last one is one of my dad's favorites. have heard a few of the others above too.


I swear my Dad had a million of them. should write them down.

"that's enough to make a good man swear" was one i heard often if something wasn't working right

if we were in trouble or about to get in trouble day might say

"keep it up and you'll find you a$$ up between your ears" meaning he'd kick us hard enough to put it there.

a similar one of mom's was "their ears must be in their hind end" meaning they only way they'll listen is with a spanking. < referring to my brother of course ...
 
Talking about a man that was waaay too boastful about his work--if i could buy him for what he is worth and sell him for what he thought he was worth, i would be rich.
 
Another good German saying, " Ver den Herde geht, dann nur den Arschen folgen" (sp?). Loosely trans. if your following the herd you've got your nose up someone's behind.
 
I remember some my uncle used to say.
When I asked what this item or that did or was for he would often answer "to make people ask questions" I must of asked a lot of questions ?
I remember riding along hauling cattle and he went down an alley that said no thru trucks. When I pointed that out he said that's alright this is a Chevy !
Also on those cattle hauls he ask if it was clear on your side of the truck to pull out into traffic. Then He'd add if not it hits your side first !
 
Shi- fire and save matches!!!!!!!!!! Maybe should watch for storm.. Just heard tater wagon rumbling ! Wanting either me or brother to answer. Could never keep names straight Hey Boy no Jim I mean Bill. Wanting to call dog to supper - Here Bill!!
 
When I used to wonder why we didn't have some of the things some of the neighbors had....dad would say..it's always easier to farm with money than it is to farm for money......
 
Also he would say when talking about someone he didn't like:"if you bought him for what he's worth then sell him for what HE thinks he's worth,you'd make money every time "!
 
IIRC most of dad's started with dammit kid! Lol. My uncle used to say " if wishes were horses then beggars would ride."
 
If a friend walked up smoking a pipe he would say"weather is gonna turn cold,hogs are carrying sticks".
 
Any time he had something to say to me, no matter what the subject, it would always, ALWAYS start with; 'When I was your age we were so poor that.....'. Second half went something like; 'We had to eat dirt for Christmas', or 'we couldn't afford weather and had to get it second hand from the county next door', or the ever popular, 'we had to walk ten miles to school through 4 feet of snow uphill both ways'. Needless to say we never talked much.
 
The Lutheran minister at my Dad's funeral was a classmate and she brought that up in his eulogy. He was a teacher and he'd say that when we came dragging in on a Monday morning.
 
(quoted from post at 12:23:42 11/30/16) If you got a think about it more than 10 seconds whether it's right or wrong you got your answer
Click to expand...

When I would ask my dad if he was able to do something, his YES was ( I a frog's arse water tite?)
 
(quoted from post at 09:20:21 11/30/16) I'm sure my Dad wasn't the only one that had blunt get to the point life lessons. Every time I thought we needed something on the farm we couldn't afford he always said,"Want in one hand $hit in the other see which one fills up the quickest" lol
Click to expand...

My Dad had a few as well. Most have been told already but here are few:

When I screwed up - "Boy you could break an anvil with a rubber hammer", "Sometimes you are dumber than a rock", "What you got there crap for brains"

When I voiced an opinion - "Whatever floats your boat"

Just a few of the ones I remember best
 
A god neighbor of mine could fix anything. I asked him one time if he could weld a manifold for me. He said if I can't, grits ain't groceries.
 
Ha ha reminds me of another of his,"When God asked if he wanted brains he thought he said trains and said no thanks!"
 
"Bear's a$$!" He was also 'fond' of telling me to "use your head for something besides a hatrack". I hated that one. Still do.
 
Talking about a very frugal neighbor...."He's so tight,he squeezes a nickle til the buffalo farts"
 
My dad used to admonish his 4 sons by saying..."If you can't say anything good, then don't say anything" I think he was trying to help the 4 of us get along with each other. FIL would say..." He's running around like a fart in a bottle!" when he saw someone busy but getting nowhere. Ben
 
I worked with some guys that always talked about how 'tight' their boss was about spending money. They would say "He's so tight that he jumps across the gate to keep from wearing out it's hinges!"
 
I remember my Dad using the phrase "He lit a match to check his tank and that's why they call him skinless Frank" when teaching me as a young boy that flames and gas don't play well together.
 
My dad always told me "Any vehicle will carry a mans body, it takes a fancy one to carry his head".
 
LOL, my Dad started all of his statements to me G-- Da-m David, as GD David it looks like its gonna rain. GD David, we were so poor we didn't have a pot to P in or a window to throw it out of.
 
Another one I remember was hes so ugly his daddy tied a steak round his neck to get the dog to play with him. I modernized it for a buddy of mine who went to the Catholic school( we went to the Lutheran school) your so ugly the priest would not molest you!
 
Can think of several
"If brains were TNT he couldn't blow his nose" and " slicker than snot on a doorknob " "colder than a witches' heart" ,, "Hotter than a somthing( **%#%@@) in a forest fire" ,, "dumber than a box of rocks" . More that I can't remember right now.
 
My Dad was a first generation American, born to German parents, his first language was German though he never taught me the language, his favorite was "Feexa hut goten nor vettea". My uncle translated that to
"a four letter word beginning with the letter between e and g crank up the thunder weather".
 
My Dad often repeated this ditty he heard from a Hungarian laborer in reference to the poor man's lot in life:
"I diggy de ditch to earna de mon to buya de food to getta de strength to diggy de ditch."
 
When bending down and working on something and not getting the leverage in the right direction, "Get your azz behind you". And it does make sense.
 
When caught goofing-off instead of doing chores around the ranch, we would sometimes hear from dad: All I want to see are a$$es and elbows!
 
My uncle was a tool and die worker. One of his jobs was sharpening the mills, bits, etc. Whenever we were building something that we were drilling steel, he'd always sharpen the bit before we used it. Whenever he'd hand you the freshly sharpened drill bit, he'd say "there ya go, that ought to cut like a homesick beaver". He taught me how to sharpen bits the different ways, so now my buddies and guys at work ask me to sharpen the bits for them when we are building something. Just to honor my uncle, I have to use his saying when I hand the bit back to whoever wanted it sharpened.
 
"No, no son, you've got it bass ackwards" "he brought the whole fam damily." "I'd walk a mile backwards in my bare feet over broken glass just to---"
 
When something broke or was worn and taken to an old guy who was the local welder, he would look at it, shake his head and say "can't spin gold out of s--t" His welding didn't look that great but it stuck together. He had a huge buzz box welder and when I was little he had a acetylene generator for cutting. His shop was a hang out for a lot of local farmers.
Dave
 
Jed Clampett about Jethro on the Beverly Hillbilly's. "If brain's was lard, he wouldn't grease a very big pan"
 
My boss from 1980 had a few he would say. Well that guys so dumb he couldn't pour pee out of a boot if the directions were on the bottom.
When installing o-rings over spool valve and such he would say "that's like trying to stretch a gnats azz over a fence post". My dad would say when he saw someone walking funny "boy he's a dilly Bas*%#d".
 
my dad use to say that if brains were gunpowder you couldn't blow your nose.another one was when i was a kid it was so cold we had to build a fire under the horses to get them started
 
A guy I used to work with (we were welders) sed to have a lot of sayings as well.

He's crazier than Hooter Brown (whoever that is)

If someone let a fart go, he'd say, "you're voice has changed but your breath still smells the same"

That thing is crooked as a dog's hind leg

It's raining like a cow p!ssing on a flat rock
 
When exasperated, dad would say " That's enough to make a mare bite her colt." When something was of questionable value, " it wasn't worth the powder to blow it all to heck."
As young kids, we had a lot of German neighbours. At dinner, Tante Hilda would admonish " Essen und Trinken - Nicht Frissen und Sauffen! " Translation- eat and drink , not gobble and slurp!
 
"You can be replaced by two pushes of a button and a Billy goat."
I still don't get it, but it was funny to him.

He also liked to sing the Ooo, eee, ooo ah, ah, ting, tang lyrics
from the witch doctor song whenever he hit his thumb with a
hammer or some such self imposed injury. Referring to the "I'll
admit I wasn't very smart" portion of the lyrics. [b:85df8a2de2]YouTube[/b:85df8a2de2]
 
my dad liked to say the dog would have caught the rabbit if the fence hadn't got in the way
another one better than a sharp stick in the eye or better than a kick in the seat of your pants
 
I've heard said less is more, and you don't have a pot to pi$$ in or a window to throw it out of!
 
"So dumb he couldn't scratch his azz with a hand full of fish hooks."

"So lazy he married a pregnant woman"

"Hurry up every chance you get"

"Your not allowed to be that dumb and claim kin to me"
 
"The hurrier I go, the behinder I get."

Regarding someone in town with dirty boots... "Apparently, he doesn't know sh__ from Shinola."

Regarding how he felt or how his day was going, "Finer 'n frog hair."

About putting something tight fitting together... "That fits tighter than a frog's arse on a rain barrel."

The list goes on and on... Dad always talked in jokes and word pictures. (Awww, I miss him.)
 
I remember lots of sayings like that, my daughters-in-law call them "Paulisms". When dad and I would be working on some job, away from the buildings, I would forget some tool we needed. He'd always say "What you ain't got in your head, you got in your feet. You can walk and go get it."
 
I thought only my dad said these things! He sure said a lot of these. When I would do something mildly grown up he would say "you'll make a man before your mother". I was well into my teens before I figured out mom was never going to make a man.
 
My favorite from my Dad while watching a fat girl walk by, " she was built when meat was cheap". Or "All that meat and no potatoes". God I miss my old man!! Granddad would say,"boy, do you see that girl walking with her lags that way??? Do you know why???" "If she didn't her guts would spill out on the pavement!!!" I think that was his way of warning me about those good looking girls who hung around town looking for farm boys.
 
Another one when I would say Wait he would reply Wait is what broke the wagon. Also when I would overfill the old ground drive manure spreader he would remind me that it was a straw that broke the camels back. Tom
 
(quoted from post at 09:20:21 11/30/16) I'm sure my Dad wasn't the only one that had blunt get to the point life lessons. Every time I thought we needed something on the farm we couldn't afford he always said,"Want in one hand $hit in the other see which one fills up the quickest" lol
Click to expand...

When we would bug dad asking him what he was going to do his favorite comeback was "Sh!t in my shoe and throw it at you"

Another favorite remark:
Well you are a real f*rt smeller...I mean a smart feller....
 
Has anyone heard this one? When we would say to dad "Excuse me" dad would say "The last dog I excused died!". Also, "He don't know sh]t from wild honey", and "He's like a catfish, all mouth and no brains".

We lost dad Oct 23. The greatest man I ever knew.
 
Dad had a lot of them. A fat woman was a easy keeper, That will effect your grandchildren. Eat dessert first you might not make it through dinner. Don't slam the door. My kids still cringe when someone slams a door and they are all grown. LOL Steve
 
if your brain was on the edge of a razor blade it would look like a BB rolling down a 4 lane highway.
 
"Had to sh*t in the river to keep from settin' the woods on fire"

"You can p*s in one hand and sh*t in the other but at the end of the day your still going to be two blocked and corn holed"
 
I have an Uncle, who upon finishing a job likes to say," Ain't naught to do but pizz on the fire and call in the dawgs!"
 
On a person not exactly working quickly enough: "You need to pound a stake in the ground just to tell if he's moving'".

His favorite was "All things in moderation", usually as an excuse for another cigarette or beer.

The guy I worked for had one I never quite figured out: "I wouldn't have that _____ (tool, car, house whatever he felt was substandard) if you promised to shove it up my a$$ sideways". I can't think of any item I would like shoved... well you know.
 
If we riled up livestock while moving them ?watch out for that (bull, heifer, cow), she?s madder than an albino hitchiking in a stormstorm?.
If referencing one of our many neighbors that could squeeze a dollar ?he?s tighter than two coats of paint?
 
My uncle used to say he could weld anything but a broken heart, and he'd do that if he could find a meat rod!
 
"The only way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket" and "It's not what you make,it's what you keep that counts" Both concepts firmly fixed from growing up during the depression in poverty that folks today can't begin to comprehend. There's a reason they are called the greatest generation.
 
Not funny but true-
"The only sure way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket" and "It's not what you make, it's what you keep that counts." Both concepts firmly based in growing up during the depression in poverty that folks today can't comprehend. There's a reason they are called the greatest generation.
 
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