Funeral plans???

I read David's post about his Uncle passing. He was a WW II vet. I am glad he is getting a military funeral. They do a real nice job. It is fitting and has deep meaning to many. This is really true for the WW II Vets right now. That whole generation made this country what it is today.

The next generation, which I am a member of, has not done so well.

My wife and I have had this discussion on and off for the last few years. It is about whether or not I want a military funeral. I really have mixed feelings on the subject.

The Vietnam Era soldiers have an entirely different view of the service and combat than those that served in WW II and Korea do. Many of us closed the book when we came home and did not even talk about it much until our later years. I have talked more on this site than I did with my family in all the years since I left the service.

I was on several funeral details while I was on active duty. I would be hard pressed to be at a full military funeral today. Too many memories that seem to grow as I get older.

So here is what I am 100% sure of:

1) I do not want to be buried in my uniform. The service was a part of my life but not the biggest part of it. My family, that will be here when I am long gone, is the IMPORTANT thing I have done in my life.

2) The bronze Grave marker I want. They can attach it to the back of the head stone. I like how they look done that way.

3) I will be buried in the family cemetery. Never was even a thought of being buried anywhere else.

4) In my later years I am leaning toward just a private visitation and funeral. My family will/can lean on each other for support. I don't think a bunch of outsiders would help them in anyway. This is where me and the wife disagree. She thinks I should have a public visitation and funeral service. She thinks the support of the friends out weights negatives. The kids don't seem to care either way.

5) If it is just a private funeral then the military funeral would be out of place I think. Once again my wife and I disagree on this. She thinks it is just proper for the country to honor those that served. She stated it makes zero difference if there is anyone there or not the service is to honor the fact that you served.

I am not going to go into many details of my service anymore. Mine to do/done and what others think means very little to me anymore on that subject.

I am asking this here because there are a wide range of people that post here. There are veterans of war and others that have never served. I just want a discussion with the view point from a bunch of "Country folk" on what you think on all of this.

I know there are several Vietnam Vets on here. What is your view of all of this??? Your view actually has more meaning to me as we would have shared a similar past.

JD, thank you for the input. I am not ex military, but many of my friends and business associates are. He never talked about this, so I am guessing what he would want.

Our nephew was killed in Nam in 1970 and he's buried at Arlington. My older brother served in the Air Force during the Korean War and he's buried in a VA cemetery in Delaware. A little over a year after he enlisted I was drafted. My mom and dad weren't too happy about us not taking a deferment and staying on the farm. Hal

I feel that the funeral is for the ones left & if anything is to be planed it should reflect their wishes.

I am proud of my service, proud of my efforts to do my job & make sure that my juniors KNEW their jobs also.

I, myself, agree with my dad in that the dead know nothing & should not be consulted.

Your millage may vary however.

JD Seller,
I agree with almost all of your posts and we think an awful lot alike. My father will be 88 in September, retired AF reserve and a lifelong farmer WWII vet. He would like a military funeral. I on the other hand am a 12 year AF vet (SAC trained Minute Man II officer with 412 alerts) and I do not. I have much your sentiment that while I am proud being able to serve my country, it wasn't the most important thing to me.
However with all that said, I have to agree with the popular sentiment that funerals aren't for the deceased but the living. Sometimes we have to think about the living and how to make their grief easiest to deal with.
I have no answers and I wish you well my friend as you struggle with these decisions.

This is something most don't think about. A friend of mine had a military funeral at our little comminity cemetery. It was very impressive. I wouldn't mind that myself.The uniformed men all left with dirty feet, as the cemetery is all dirt. As for being burried in uniform. I myself would not like it eather. That was not my life. I served almost four years and got out.I would need one two times larger if I did. As a plack I would be ok with one in front and below my head stone. As for vewing. Dad had a open casket during the dervice. My last picture of Dad in my mind is him laying in his casket. I don't like that. Mom's was a closed. I would perfer to have a closed casket myself. I would rather have a public service, I think this will help my relatives cope with what has just happened. Stan

Recently I helped plan a funeral and want to share a bad part of the experience.
I did not know how death certificates are created. When issued in this case, it was full of serious errors which I could have avoided if only I had known.
In many states, North Carolina among them, and some foreign countries, the funeral director (or the secretary of the funeral home) completes ALL of the death certificate at their facility except for the medical certification and then forward it to the medical people for their brief additions.
Suffice it to say that the director and secretary in this instance were inadequate to the task.
If the Social Security number is wrong, the certificate will be useless for any legal purpose. Original certificates are issued within 3-5 weeks. Getting one amended may take up to SIX MONTHS and it involves extra fees!
So from the beginning, you MUST INSIST in the strongest of terms that you be permitted to proofread what they have prepared before it is sent anywhere.
I now know that detail-oriented funeral homes do insist that you do proofread. The cruddy ones don't care.

My Dad died in 2005 at the age of 90. He served in the South Pacific during WW II and awarded the Bronze Star and other commendations for his service. He wrote out his desires for his funeral to his three children (my mother died in 1982).
He wanted a flag draped casket, Christian funeral service preached by his nephew and pastor, and grave services by his American Legion friends (which were hard to find since he had out lived most of them). He specified who would get the flag. The funeral director placed a very decorative army service seal in the casket lid and on the top lid of the burial vault. The funeral staff wore patriotic ties for the service.
The casket was opened for viewing but closed for the funeral service.
I think it will be something his grandchildren and great grandchildren will understand the sacrifice that was made.

As many of you know, I'm retired from the Navy.

I do not plan to have a military funeral, or any funeral at all for that matter.

Likewise, no burial. I'll be cremated and my ashes spread on the pastures of my little hobby farm.

I've added a codicil to my will instructing my survivors that while they're free to do whatever makes them feel best (I'll be dead, I won't care) I'd prefer that they <strike>spend</strike> waste as little money as possible disposing of my carcass. Right down to not posting an obit. Them that cares will already know, and them that don't know won't care.

My wife's grandfather was a LT.Col in the South Pacific during WW2.He passed away in 2002 at the age of 92.He was buried with full military honors in a local cemetery next to his wife.The service was at his local church with a closed casket.He asked there be 2 buglers playing taps.One lead and the other was behind like a echo.Very nice service by the military with the flag going to the oldest son.

Plan your funeral as you want it.When my father passed my mother wanted a open casket viewing for the public.We got her to change her mind.We had it open for the family only prior to the funeral service.I think I will have a private burial or cremation and a memorial service.I prefer those.

Just my thoughts

Vito







Vito

Retired Chief Warrant Officer in 1974 and then another career. Couple tours in Vietnam. Buried my wife 3 years ago and we chose a section other than the military part of the cemetary. I remember looking at her in the casket and thinking "That"s not her." No military funeral for me. All the other decisions are up to my kids.

JD I agree with your wife on whether or not to have it public. In a small town area like where you live friends tend to support the family in a time of need. No disrespect to you, but your family will be the ones who need the support when you pass. You will be up there where you won't need your friends support anymore.

Ten years ago or so we went to the funeral home to visit the family of a deceased neighbor. His wife didn't want a public visitation because she thought nobody would come. The children did want a public visitation so they went ahead and welcomed the public. Half the town showed up to give their respects. The widow was overwhelmed and gratified by how well her husband was remembered.

Military rights? My sister's FIL, an Iwo Jima vet who saw the worst of it was very active in his local VFW in Davenport Ia and wanted military rights. The motorcycle vets lined both sides of the sidewalk leading out of the church with their flags held out and they did the same thing at the cemetery. It was VERY touching. There wasn't a dry eye in the crowd. They also led the procession from the church to the cemetery. I was taken aback at how many city drivers had no respect for them but that's another story.

My friend's dad, who is 94 and a decorated WW2 vet didn't want military rights till his family talked him into it. He had nightmares for many years after the war and just wanted to put it in the past completely.

I was never in the service. My number was high enough during Veitnam and I wasn't drafted but I do respect and honor all of you who did serve. Jim

I was classified 1A and had lotto # 57 in 1970. You know the rest. I am not proud to be a Vietnam era vet. Thousands killed/mamed for absolutely nothing. Nothing but a political quagmire. We left there like a beaten dog with it's tail between it's legs. We accomplished nothing. Supposedly the south is Communist controlled since and I hear no complaints in the news and I don't see it spreading. A most shamefull day in the history of the USA when we evacuated, people falling to their death from hanging from choppers when they took off overloaded , pushing choppers overboard into the drink, and that's just the part that got filmed. I choose not to be associated with this shame whether it be while I'm alive or at my funeral. To save this country, we must start internally and we just don't have the leadership to ever see that happen.

I do share a similar past with you.
Most funeral homes know about military benefits.
If you chose a family plot, you can have a gold medallion for your private tombstone. You can be buried in bibs & have 10 min. ceremony to include firing squad, Taps, & flag properly folded and presented to your love one.
One thing, a 100 years from now when, one of your heirs might find it very fulfilling to say that his great,great grandpa was a Vietnam Vet.

I am a Vietnam era vet. Drafted but never sent to Nam. Anyway my comment is that funerals are for the living and not the dead. See what the family would like. They will get support from the friends.

David,

I read your uncle's obit in the Gazette. He had a good life, and I was glad to see that he had been a Collins man.

My sympathies,

Stan

JD, any man who has served as a Ranger/LRRP in the jungles of Vietnam is entitled to the biggest and best send-off this country can provide. Let your family be proud of what you were.

The way I feel a bought funerals is simple, the service is for the living, my faith says the dead are not on this Earth anymore to care one way or another. Mine will be cheap and what ever the wife and kids want. The plot was paid for years ago.

you deserve a military funeral ,,. when your time here is ...DONE,,..regardless of neighbors , and anyone else that have tormented your pursuit of happiness

Talk about funerals and weddings depress me..

My dad was an airforce vet, and a very well known honest man in the community. My heart swelled with pride when we laid him to rest with hundreds of his friends and customers in attendence. I held it together until the honor guard did the rifle salute and laid that flag in my mom's lap.

Don't deny your family that ceremony. It won't cost a dime but they will cherish the memory.

JD, first, thank you for you service. Second I hope you are in good health, and will be around for quite some time, because you are an asset and an obvious favorite on this forum. That said, I have always held the opinion that the funeral service is for the living, not the deceased, so keep that in mind. My father's, USN WWII, flag is in my possession and I consider that an honor. He did not want or have a military funeral. I have attended funerals with the 21 gun salute, which is pretty moving, but I am partial to a live playing of "Taps" to conclude a veteran's service. I also disagree with the opinion stated that Vietnam was a waste. Granted, our exit from there was a disgrace. We were on the right side of that fight, and if it prevented the spread of communism for even one day, it was a noble cause.
Best Regards,
Charlie

JD....ultimately this is up to your desires...but, I feel that a man should take credit at the end of his life for the good (and bad) things he has done. I would say that your funeral is more for those who you leave behind.

You are wrong on not posting an obit.Quote "Them that cares will know, and them that don't know won't care". Many a time the only way I have found out about a passing is with the obit. People just do not have time or frame of mind to notify everybody. Even if we don't make it to the services doesn't mean we don't care.

Jd, I feel like I"ve gotten to know you over the last few years via this forum. You are either a "natural born" or otherwise self taught natural "decision maker". It's "what you do" and you do it well. I admire you for that. However, as many have said below, there comes a time when our decsions are a mute point and trying to make decsions for our "after death" is exactly that. Our "control" is over at that point. Your decisions, life style, and personality have all reflected your ability to lead a good life here on earth. Any attempt to go beyond that is futile. Randall

With regard to the public visitation. I attend so few funerals because I go out of my way to keep to myself. But 2 different guys that I knew had private, family only funerals. These were 2 guys I was actually willing to take time to go to their final send off. Both these fellows always took the time to chat or be helpful to me in my younger days. They showed me alot of respect at a age when I was working on earning it.
I knew none of their families or other relatives.

I felt cheated when I couldn't attend their funeral and wish them a final good bye.