Way OT:Taking care of aging parents

As some of you may remember, I am taking care of both my aging parents. I have been taking on more stress as each day passes. They are still mobile and this may go on for years. I don't know what all of your relationships with your siblings is like but mine has been..."cordial" over the years. Last night I lost my cool. Some blunt points were made. Needless to say, things will not be the same with my sibs. Mrs. redtom is growing weary too, if you know what I mean. This forum is my last connection to the hobby I had to give up several years ago. I haven't "turned a wheel" in years as far as antique tractors go. Someday I will again. How do y'all deal with sibs? I fear, when its over, I will not speak to them for some time. Thanks for listening

Never thought of our family as dysfunctional until it came to taking care of Mom and Dad. They both passed last year within a month and a half of each other. Moved them into my 20 year old farm house as we lived in the house in town. My sis was very good but my four brothers said I was the oldest it was my job to take care of them. And we did. It's over now so let it go. Not worth making enemies of the siblings in our later years. The millionaire brother was the least help and most removed.

From experience let me say that when the situation becomes so stressful to you and the Mrs . consider a senior cere (nursing home) facility. That's the hardest thing I ever did but it saved my marriage and my sanity. there comes a point when it's best for all concerned.It levels the care playing field if a sibling wants to take a shot at keeping them then it's off your back (but I bet they don't).
It may take all they have but so be it. And yes I'm an a$$ because of it as far as the rest are concerned but they had the oppertunity to take charge

Redtom, I feel for your pain. I am currently the primary care giver for my Dad, 77 years old. He had an accident a couple of years ago November and now lives with me. Sister lives about an hour away and very seldom visits. She would rather write a letter to Dad than call or visit. Brother, who lives in California takes more interest than sister, takes. I retired from the military in February, and they gave much liberty dealing with my Dad and his doctor's appointments. I just hope that I have applied and would like to work for, will work work with me and be as accommodating.

Leonard

VERY current topic for me, Just got home from taking my 86 year old dad to hospital. Has degenerative disc disease, arthirits of spine, etc, we are all going to have it to some degree if we live long enough. Still lives by himself, with our help ( lots of help) but that is coming to end soon, he cant keep going. Wont take pain meds , says he dosent like medicine, but cant stand up due to pain. I am an only child, so no trouble with siblings, its all on me, going to do best I can for as long as humanly possible, deal with decisions as needed, good luck, your in my prayers this morning

There is a lot of help out there you just have to ask, and you may already have it. Visiting nurse, help with cleaning etc. No it won t help with the sibs but it might give you and your wife a little breathing room. We have a friend whose wife is getting really bad, if it were t for the visiting health care, she would be in a Home and Bill would be nuts. One thing you really need is power of attorney, as the only family who sees them every day, only you will be able to make the calls that will happen in the future.(and no matter what you do, you will be wrong according to your family)Just do what is needed, and as you were taught.

i did not understad what this 'stress' deal was until i went thru what you are doin now. dang neer killed me watching them fade away an try to deal with the changes that they wer gong thru. just do yor best they apreciate it even if they dont tell you so. i learned alot bout my self from that time and you will to. good luck to you and kno that you are doing the right thing by them

I feel what you are going through. Not with the siblings, as I am an only child, like one of the other ones who posted.

My mother is 87. Ten years ago she was a young 77 year old who looked and acted like someone aged 65 or so. Now she is bent and in pain with osteo-arthritis and the related symptoms. Her eyes are going too, macular degeneration. Otherwise her general health is good. She could likely live another 10 or more years. We have ten acres and live next door to each other. My wife is a doll for understanding when I go check "on the neighbor" and don't come back for a couple of hours.

It's working so far, but I can see the time we are going to need more, and there will be decisions which will fall on my shoulders alone. Some unpleasant I'm sure.

Hold on to what you have. Unload on whoever will listen, sometimes that simple act of someone's friendship can be a life saver.

What was that saying???: It's not that life is so short, it's that dead is a very very long time....

My grandparents both died within 3 months of each other, in 2008. They married in 1940. My mom did all their banking, getting the mail, setting them up in an assisted living, went to see them every week. I think they were both 89 when they died.
Both her brothers (my uncles) did little to help. My mom ended up sending her 1 brother a long nasty letter telling him what an A-hole he is for all the years back, even when they were kids. (I didn't agree with sending that)

Many of us aging baby boomers are in your situation. We have become the parents now and our aging parents the "in need of care" child. My mom 89 is in assisted living which is the best thing that happened for her and myself and our families.

As a practicing Probates and Estate Attorney I cant tell you how many times I see the situation where: Mary lives next door to mom and for years works her tail off caring for her often at much of her own expense and other siblings arent there to help. Mom dies and in flies yuppy big shot know it all smart A$$ brother Johnny from California who wants to take over the estate and rule and boss over all his "peasant" siblings and really causes a mess SEEN IT RIGHT IN MY OFFICE SO MANY SAD TIMES.

If you havent already, look into "Assisted Living" which is more affordabe and one step before a full blown Nursing Home provided their health is suitable

John T

Am there doing that. Hang on. Very stressful.
Ron

Been down that road two times. One went pretty well. My brother and I shared things well with Dad, but he was about 3 hours closer so he did the bill paying, etc. I did more of the other longer term issues. Dad had day-to-day care that he set up himself. My brother had POA. After his death the issues started with my sister-in-law, but we worked thru that a long time ago.
My wife is an only child, so we took care of it all with her folks. She always wanted a sibling to share the load, but considering the kind of people they were, she'd have had three to deal with instead of two. Two of our son's wives families are going thru this now. Seems like it always falls almost entirely on one child to take care of parents. The bitterness from having no help from siblings lasts a very long time, but you still know you did your best.
NOW is the time to get a Power of Attorney and a living will. It'll be the best thing you can do.

I had to get up and think about this for a while before I said something I don't want out there on the internet. I've got to go along with what casecollectorsc said about dysfunctional. All I'm going to say is,since my Dad passed away and my mother moved in with my oldest brother and his wife,things have gotten so bad that I haven't been to a family get together in a year and a half. My two sisters and sister in law have just flat out gone too far. Things will never be right again and I've done all I can to accept it.

My younger brother has power of attorney and will be administrator of my mother's will. He said he wished I'd do it because he doesn't want everybody hating him when it's all over. I just patted him on the back and said "Mom always liked you best". He didn't think that was funny.
All I know is,when somebody lays that "but we're family" line on you,bend over. It just means you have take their garbage or else,and those three women are experts at "or else".

Just hang in there. If your siblings are going to be a problem when it's over,accept what I have,that there's no need to take behavior from "family" that you wouldn't take from a stranger. Best of luck to you. Looks like you're not alone. You've sure got my deepest sympathy and understanding. The only thing that keeps me going some times is a firm belief in Karma and remembering what a guy told me recently about his first hand account with a near death experience when he said he saw the gates of h#ll during his bypass surgery.

my mom was sick with ms for years,she did end up in a nursing home,my advice is find a nursing home close to home and drop in often and at different time schedules,it didnt go to bad for us,it seems the people that do the least and visit the least will condem you for looking into a nursing home.
We were fortunate to find one that we could stop in everyday, got to be friends with a lot of the residents and caregivers,but,,,if a person is in a nursing home and no one visits,its not as good,Just my 02 cents,it is better to look for one that is close than to try to guess a good one.

going through the same thing with my mother who is 84 and has demetia/alzhiemers,(Dad passed away 19 years ago). Six of us kids and have had the blow ups too- important thing to remember that this is new ground for all of you and it is very emotional. Give some cool off time, apologize (even if it's not your fault) explaining the emotional stress. You don't want to have bad blood between you and your siblings for the rest of your life (if you can help it).

In '96 I began caring for my elderly parents. Mom passed away in 1997. I have been caring for Dad in the home on the farm ever since. I feel absolutely blessed for having him for so long. I pay for his insurance and day to day expenses. he pays for his meds and hearing aides. My brother (only sibling) comes home (2 hour drive) every weekend to help get things caught up around the farm and help with anything I need to do for dad, ( just put a set of low riser steps on the front porch). He leaves money to help with dads expenses every week. This weekend he took dad for three days to old world Wisconsin and attractions down in that area. In two weeks I will take him for a 10 day trip east to see museums and historical sites. We have an electric scooter for him for when the wheelchair does not work well at places like WMSTR and like that. I just don't understand people griping about having the privilege of having still their parents around. Dad will be 102 in October.

That is great you and your dad are still making memories together. I don't think other's are griping about having to take care of their parents. When dementia is involved it is very emotional because they are no longer the parent you knew growing up. Demenetia affects the personality. My mother is lucid enough to know that her mind is failing and it is heartbreaking when she cries and there is a not a thing you can do for her.

My mom is 94 and my father died several years ago. I manage most of her affairs. I resigned myself to make sure mom was taken care of regardless. I don't assume my family will take care of her so when they do it brightens my day. Maybe they can and maybe they can't help, it's their decision and they'll have to live with it. No regrets. Gerard

My wife and I wound up as primary care for my mom for several years. Mom's favorite, my sister drove past the drive several times a day, every day, for several years before mom died. We paid her bills, cleaned her house, everything. And mom made excuse after excuse for her. Now the bad part is my sister is one of those people who can't stand for anyone to disagree with her. Gets mad to the point of violence. How do I handle it? I don't see her. I also quit going to church because of her as that was what was more important than mom and her preacher sided with her. I kept the peace with her as long as mom was alive but now I no longer have to.

Rick

My Dad passed away 19 years ago my mom was 76 at the time and doing well in 2007 I had her move in with myself she was very active until a year or so before she passed this may the last year was very stressful for me watching her go down hill so fast she couldn't do anything she want to do anymore I have big problems with both of my brothers no once in the last 12 year did either one come to see her all they were interest in is how much they were going to get went she passed away. Sometimes just step back and clear your mine I told both my brother off several times it never seemed to phase them still the same jacka** just thinking of themself and no one else

My Dad passed away 19 years ago my mom was 76 at the time and doing well in 2007 I had her move in with myself she was very active until a year or so before she passed this may the last year was very stressful for me watching her go down hill so fast she couldn't do anything she want to do anymore I have big problems with both of my brothers no once in the last 12 year did either one come to see her all they were interest in is how much they were going to get went she passed away. Sometimes just step back and clear your mine I told both my brother off several times it never seemed to phase them still the same jacka** just thinking of theirself and no one else.

Been there, done that, got a load of tee shirts. We had my in laws living with us on and off for 4 or 5 years. Tried to get them to make it permanent and even offered land for them to build on. MIL got greedy, tried to get twice what their home was worth, ended up getting nothing and remaining there. Then she got cancer and FILs dementia got worse. She was over medicating him which made things worse. Finally he started getting violent and she got him into a nursing home. Mind you, we're 150 miles away and trying to deal with this for her a making trip after trip down there. Meanwhile, 3 other daughters lived less than 45 minutes away from them. They;d call and tell us what was going on from their perspective and tell us how "you don't realize what they're like." Well duh! They forget we spent the better part of 5 years caring for them in our own home. Then MIl comes up here when she's dying because other daughters wouldn't take her into their homes. I spent 5 weeks nursing my MIL till she died.

I still have a lot of resentment over the whole thing.

Relatives are the worst when care is needed for parents. They make sure they attend when after the funeral at the reading of the will. One BIL
even wanted his wife's share in cash. My late brother's fifth wife even wanted my mom to will her the home they bought when they quit farming. She was told to get lost in so many words. She kept my brother on life support for about 4 months
so she could collect his retirement. He never owned any property or saved any money. If he got paid on Friday he was broke on Monday. He did have excellent health coverage. He was only 66.
Hal

My mom has had this issue with her family. Mom (the youngest daughter with three older brothers) has been the POA and taken care of my grandparents for over 10 years now. Grandma passed this past spring. Grandpa is still kicking, but going down hill slowly. The loneliness is making his mind slip. Anyhow, moms three older brothers are as worthless with grandma and grandpa as a broken leg. Throw in the farm to the mix, and it is just peachy. Things have been a little better lately, but once grandpa passes....and the final "issues" are handled.....its going to be ugly.

Just hold on, do what you can, and do not take things personally. It will get worse if there is money involved.

BTDT more than once.

I have been watching this post and can only say that we all will get old someday. What have you done to keep your children from going through the same thing. Do you have a will? Do you have a living will? Do you have a long term care insurance policy? Does someone have your POA.? What about the old tractors? I think an estate auction should be the results of an accident not poor planning. Hope I didn't change the subject too much.

I know right where you're coming from Rick. I don't mean for this to sound like it's gonna,but my mother is 87,has had a good long life,but God help me,I almost look forward to when she's gone and there aren't anymore "family get togethers" to avoid. You feel like crap avoiding situations and staying away from people,but the alternative of being around them and the aftermath of it is even worse. It takes weeks to calm down after having to be around some of them.

(quoted from post at 08:52:07 07/07/13) I know right where you're coming from Rick. I don't mean for this to sound like it's gonna,but my mother is 87,has had a good long life,but God help me,I almost look forward to when she's gone and there aren't anymore "family get togethers" to avoid. You feel like crap avoiding situations and staying away from people,but the alternative of being around them and the aftermath of it is even worse. It takes weeks to calm down after having to be around some of them.

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When mom passed I had this great sense of relief followed by guilt for being relieved. She should have been in a home but was trying to stay in her house for which I can't blame her. She because a real burden the last couple of years but she was still mom. She signed the farm over to me about 2 years before she died and told me that my sister got everything else. I made that happen and got a little revenge because mom was a hoarder. Not as bad as the stuff on TV but there was a lot of junk. My sister got it all! Sure she got the good stuff too but she got to deal with all the junk.
Rick

Gotta laugh a little there too. My mother had more junk in that house than a hundred people needed. My fatazz lazy deadbeat sister moved in there with all of her garbage after my mother moved in with my older brother. My wife made some comment one time to my younger brother about how when Ma goes,that fatazz will probably take everything in the house when she moves out. My brother said that if she did,he was going to kiss her right on her stinking greasy lips because if she took it all,he wouldn't have to go in and clean that hog hole out himself. lol

I have never figured out, or even remotely understood this phenomena, whereas the vultures, scavengers, and or bottom feeders in life always show up, after a long absence or at some point contributed to a cause and effect situation, always with a degree of plausible deniability.

When people get to their declining and convalescent years, and its time to dispose of estates, belongings, assets, some liquid, the creatures above have been salivating at the hint of death, eventually culminating into harsh situations, embroiled in drama, selfishness, greed, spite and just about the worst attributes a human being can exhibit in life.

The irony is that this is a repeating decimal, its going to happen to them too.

It"s tough to watch them fade away. My Dad died 19 years ago at age 80. He and my Mom had lived in a paid-for condo for a number of years, and my oldest sister started helping Mom make decisions about her sizable wealth. Mom and my sister decided that the condo needed a new fancy kitchen and spent $20K making that happen. Unfortunately a couple of years later Mom decided she should move to a retirement apartment and sell the condo. We recouped about $5K of the money she spent remodeling the kitchen. The condos in that complex just do not sell for more than that.

In the retirement apartment Mom did OK for about 10 years. She drove until she had a fairly serious accident, which totaled her 40K mile car. Mom decided that she should quit driving, which was a relief to me--I didn"t want to take that away from her.

Unfortunately my sister got harder and harder to get along with. I don"t know if it was menopause related or she just went crazy. She was a teacher who ended up getting fired for yelling at students and being insubordinate to her bosses. She was also tough on Mom, and would get Mom all worked up all the time. My sister also decided that she should be paid for helping our Mom. We finally took Mom to the attorney, who agreed that my sister was impossible to deal with and got the paperwork changed so my older brother and I would have Mom"s power of attorney. My sister was mad and is still mad at us. I try to avoid contact with her.

I finally took over all of Mom"s business affairs, when she complained of getting so much mail all the time. I found that she would get a 4 or 5 inch stack of "gimme letters" every mail day from all sorts of organizations, real or maybe fake. I discovered that in the previous 3 months she had given away over $10k to various "causes", some of which opposed eachother. I had all Mom"s mail transferred to my address and spent over $100 of my own money sending letters to the many "charities" explaining that my Mom would never send them another cent, and to quit sending letters to her. Most eventually quit sending anything. More than 10 years later, the nnalert Party STILL is sending Mom bill-like requests for money. I am really disgusted with them.

Mom has become more and more affected by dementia. After about 10 years in her retirement apartment, she decided to move to the Assisted Living unit of the same complex. That worked OK for a year or so, but then Mom started walking away. Once she was found walking down the road more that 1/4 mile away from her unit. After about 3 or 4 times finding her outside and walking aimlessly we were told that she would have to move to a secured facility where she would not be able to roam. We ended up placing her in the dementia unit, but she didn"t really fit in well there either, since she was still able to talk and most of the patients there just sit in wheelchairs.

The dementia unit is expensive. The basic cost of her care is about $9500/month plus the costs of her medications, Depends and incidentals. My Mom has good income and years ago we invested in Long Term Care insurance. At the time, we thought that was the best way to go.

But since she has some money, my Mom"s care is private pay, rather than paid for my Medicaid. It galls me somewhat that the patients on Medicaid get EXACTLY the same care that my Mom does, with everything paid for. We pay more than $10K per month. My Mom does have a private room, but they have no way of keeping other patients out of there, and they wander in and out, sometimes even getting into Mom"s bed.

Mom is now 97 and can hardly walk. Sometimes she is better than others, but often she is not very conversational. I suspect that she is sometimes overmedicated, but if she is undermedicated, she has delusions and horrible nightmares. Mom would like to die, and I hope she gets her wish one of these days. It has been a rough few years.

I do enjoy spending time with my Mom, and have fun with her when she is conversational, although she really doesn"t have much memory at all any more. She usually knows who I am, although sometimes she has called my by her youngest brother"s name.

My sister continues to cause problems. The staff at the nursing home hate her, as she is always so cross and ornery. She files complaints about one thing or another although she has absolutely no authority. We have even thought about getting a restraining order to keep her away from Mom, who she constantly upsets.

Years ago, we thought about having Mom live with us, but I am glad we did not. She and my Wife have never got along very well, and I fear that having Mom live with us for any length of time might have cost me my marriage.

I have never taken or accepted a cent of my Mom"s money, although I certainly could have under the terms of her will paperwork. I just do not think taking money would be right. If there is any left when Mom dies, the money will be split equally 4 ways and distributed to me and my 3 surviving siblings.

I used to think that I wanted to live to be really old. But after taking care of my Mom all these years and watching the aging process happening to her and ALL of her contemporaries, I have decided that I do not WANT to live beyond the age of 90, and maybe not that old if my mental and/or physical abilities get bad. My Dad lived to be 80, and he was to my knowledge, the oldest male in his bloodline. He never spent even one night in a nursing home and never had the indignity of needing to wear adult diapers. He drove his new car the day before he died. To my way of thinking, my Dad got the dying part of his life"s story right. And to me, any time past 90 is probably going to be a fairly low quality time of one"s life, and it may be torture.

I guess I spouted off pretty long here...but watching my Mom go downhill has been rough. And a lot rougher than it should have been, thanks to my goofy sister.

There is a time to be born, and a time to die. You just hope the time between those two events is reasonably good.

Good luck to all who care for aging parents. You are not alone.

My Dad is 86 and still gets around and still drives. I live 50 miles away and my half sister lives about 20 miles away. She has been steadily draining away his "stuff". Car haulers, utility trailer, Polaris side by side, New truck( he still has his 96 150), guns, etc,etc. She doesn't understand that I don't care about his stuff. I don't worry about or will ever fight for anything that never was mine in the first place. I saw my step son and step daughter roll on the ground for such stupid things such as furniture when their Dad died. It was pathetic.

My parents are still in their home in Florida and I'm in Ohio. All of my three brothers and two sisters live down there. Mom is 87 and dad is 82 but has dementia and can't be left alone. My criminal sister lives with them and takes care of things around the house. Criminal?... she stole something in the area of $50 to $100K from my brother's business for a drug habit and took off to GA and TN when he finally realized what she was doing. Many years later she called the parents begging them to come get her in TN as her "husband" was arrested for drug dealing and she's been thrown out of their house and her stuff was put outside. We think she might even still be married to this thug. My brother didn't pursue charges when she came back, since all those years passed (7-10 yrs.) and he didn't want to upset our parents over it (Mom maintains she didn't do anything).

She worked some as an in-home aid for the elderly. She is of course very secretive of what she is doing and Mom thinks she is wonderful and a great help, maybe she is. The Criminal won't let Mom talk too long on the phone, you can hear her in the background cussing like a sailor for her to get off the phone. My other sister has some way of knowing when to call so the Criminal isn't there, but Mom is not very forthcoming. We are concerned that she has or will take over the parent's financial accounts and may have convinced Mom to will her the house when they pass on (it's nearly paid for). My parent's assets are modest but Dad has a good pension and retirement health benefits (he worked for a large Ohio city and we know how golden the retirement bennies can be).

I just want them to be taken care of while they are here and, I don't need anything and I don't want anything but what my parents want me to have when they pass, but I sure don't want that determined by the Criminal. I'm too far removed geographically to deal with the senior issues our parents have, but I'm still concerned about them.