O/T The Elderly

On June 3rd this year my dad called me and said he had to call an ambulance for my mom. She got up and said she couldn't breath and had chest pain. They still live on the farm where I was raised along with my two brothers and one sister. Turned out she had what they call a "Pulmonary Embolism" blood clot to the lung. She was ICMU (just a step under ICU) for 4 days then moved to a convalescent center so she could learn to walk again. Her condition thru therapy is improving but I'm not sure if she will ever get to come home. Her or dad really can't take care of themselves any more. Dad will be 85 in August. The convalescent center is calling a meeting for the family asking us to come in and discuss her situation on this Thursday. She turned 85 on March 22nd and really hasn't felt good or looked good all spring. Actually after getting oxygen and blood thinner she is looking better than she has in a long time. It's hard telling them they need to move into an assisted living facility. They're afraid their dignity will be taken away.
I'm not one for usually sharing this family information but I'm sure there are many of you that are going thru this or already have and I just wanted to share my story.

I have been there more than once with elderly relatives and do not have a good answer. It is important that they understand that this needs to happen with dignity.

John B,
If the PE is the only issue, she should be able to come home. Doesn't sound that dire. She'll likely be on coumadin. My 50 yr old brother (fit as a fiddle, runs every day) had a PE a couple of months ago. Turns out we have a hereditary blood disorder in the family that makes many of us susceptible to clotting. I've got it as well. Doctor is not worried. A PE can be life-threatening but is treatable.

My in-laws are up there as well. FIL is 86, has a fair amount of medical issues, knee replacement, aching feet, macular degeneration but he still maintains a decent size piece of property on Lake Huron, keeps active. MIL is 83, fell last Fall while playing golf (!!) and they found she has back issues, fell again a couple of weeks ago and broke her leg. They just put her in a boot so she could keep walking. They may complain with a smile on their face but they keep on moving.

As we get older, I think the key is to be as active as we can physically be. If they don't want to move into an assisted living facility, don't force them.

Good luck with your situation.

John B; I feel for you. I came from a family of eight and we went through the issues two years ago with my dad. He pasted July 6 2011 at 88. Today were going through it again with my mom. Mom is 87. I'm lucky enough that most of my siblings live close so we take turns spending the nights. Mine are Tuesdays and Thursdays. We still have two gals come in on the time family can't. It sucks to get old but its better than pushing up daisys.

JRay

These hospitals and therapy centers and nursing homes are all in business together these days, they always make everything sound more dire than it actually is because they want to keep those beds full, they would be the last people I would listen to. I bet a dollar to a doughnut they will spend the first half of the meeting telling you how hard it will be to care for your parents and how they are unable to look after themselves and how qualified their staff is, then the rest of the meeting will be about how they will get their money, either take everything your parents have ever worked for or some swindle involving medicare/medicaid, its mostly a racket. Your parents will tell you what they want to do, that will be the right choice. Both my parents died at home, as they wished, my brothers and I hired a lady 8 hours per day to do the household chores, cook etc. as well as all of us taking turns looking in as much as possible and doing the yard work and shopping. I hope it works out all the best for your family.

My former co-worker and his wife are both in Assisted Living. He's in his 90's and is blind and served during WW2 landing on Normandy and was wounded. His wife fell when bathing. She couldn't remember to take medication. They need to sell their home, but their children are scattered around the states and have families of their own. Cost is about $8000.00 per month for each.

Another co-worker told me his mother in is her 90's and is in an assisted living facility and she sold the home sometime ago and has no assets
other than a survivor annuity from her late husband and a small SS check. Medicaid is paying for her care. He told me you have 5 years to get rid all you've accumulated and then Medicaid will kick in. Has to be done before you enter assisted living. We're both in our 80's and so far good health. This makes you stop and think. Hal

My folks moved into a retirement center 2 years ago. Dad broke his back in 1983, and has been in a wheelchair since. They continued to live on the farm until the move 2 years ago. Dad got to the point where he was falling out of his chair, and stuff like that. Mom got to the point where she wasn't much help, to get him back into it.
They both love the retirement village. It goes from semi assisted living, where they are now. Just get 1 meal a day, and have neighbors, all the way up to full care. Now neither one of them feel the pressure of letting the other down, in case of a fall or something like that. Its nice to see them both happy for a change.
I would try to find something like that for your folks. Some place where they have things in common with the rest of the residents. After the initial couple days, I'll bet they are both happier.

John - I played music once or twice a week in about a half dozen different assisted living centers. They'll have their dignity intact if they are actually able to live in assisted living. The dignity suffers if they need nursing home care. The assisted living residents seem to be very happy with their living conditions. Many of them still own and drive a car, and are free to come and go as they please. Most assisted living centers in our area don't handle the resident's medication, so they need to be able to manage that on their own, or with your help. Best wishes for your family, I hope every thing works out well.

I will give you an answer based on experienc. We are 83 & 84 yrs old My wife has been in a nursing home for eight years I joined her two years ago. She suffers from NPH a condition of the brain caused by the build up of fluid in the brain. She had shunt put in her brain to maintain the proper level of fluid once this is istalled it requires no attention. The degree of recovery depends on the damage that the brain has suffered. Rehabilitation is necessary.I lived on thee farm with the son I had both knees replaced and just just plan crippled up. I had a electric wheel chair that could get me around thr farm. We eould load up and go to implement shows, Took cattle to major shows,Whent to convention together. We had always been together and made decisions togther. We had made a promise to each other many years ago.TO TAKE CARE OF LOVE HONOR AND CHARISE TILL DEATH DO US PART. Was I doing this? Finally the son who wa the baby of thr clan adnitted to his sisters he was worryed he would find me in heap some where or in the house because I could noy get up. So they had went to the Nursing Home where Mom was at to see what was possible. Sure I would be welcomed, We would share the same room..They would take are of all my medicine and see that I given it on time. I would have a regular bath. Three meals a day plus the consultation of thr helth nurses. My wife agreed she would like to have me there Even though she had good days and bad ones. So they came to me with the plan and how it would be affordable. WHAT THE $%^&*()(*&
ARW YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME? Then I cooled down. OK I will go to be with Margery.

From previous posts you know how unhappy I was with coditions. I was ashamed I had ssubmitted Margery to this for those years. I wrnt on a one man cusade to do what I could to straighten things up. I become a member of the Residebt Consul. I got to know the Ombudsman with State of Health and I contacted the State Department of health. They had always taken good care of Margery. I digured out she had attapted to living in the system.

So I would say Make sure of thr home yo are considering. Check with some of the residence family. The health care I have reiceived from the Nursing staff has been excellent. It still take some ajustnebt, as any life change does. Margery and I are happy. If they have always been Happy Together keep them together.

John B.,

That is a tough one. Hope they can move on to this next phase of life together, with a positive frame of mind and find some enjoyment in each day.

I always think Gitrib and his wife are such an inspiration.

John,
I have been there with all of my grandparents, as its just my parents and me.

First read what LAA says, that is true also, make sure you go into the discussion looking for facts not scare tactics.

All of my family fell into two categories.
1. Grandparents were mentally capable.
They knew themselves their bodies were starting to slow. Sold the house. Senior apartment for a few years. Semi-asst living. Asst living. Finally full-out nursing home.
They were very happy.

2. Grandparents that were not 100% mentally capable. aka Alzhiemers.
Arguements, "I am fine, I can live here", "you cant take my keys" etc. Those were a little harder, but once we got them into assisted living with other people they had a ball. Cards, activities, etc. It was just a matter of getting them there.
Of course you have remember you are arguing with someone that is not 100% there. Dont get frustrated, relax and look at the facts. It makes it even harder when its your own parents.

Good luck
Rick

I have been in your exact spot. My Mother suffered a stroke in the afternoon on a spring day, 10 years ago. She wasn't given much of a chance, but she survived and we had to go meet with the hospital to find out what to do next. She was transferred to a Sister Kenny facility, where after 6 weeks we had another meeting. This time to discuss long term care, (A Nursing Home). My Father could not function at home by himself and within 2 months of Mom's stroke, both were in a nursing home. Mom hated it, and always brought up why we (the kids) didn't take her home. Dad got along great and really accepted it. I guess he was used to having people take care of him. Anyway, it lasted this way for over 21/2 years until Mom passed and them Dad died 6 weeks later.
Mom always made us feel guilty of putting her in the nursing home, but my Father was a comfort. I guess what I am saying is: Every circumstance is different and everyone handles it in a different way. You do what you think is best for them and your family.

John" Interesting subject that is on going with seniors. Best of luck with the outcome with your parents. My question is,"If your parents are mentally stable and in somewhat good health( Not requiring round the clock help) What do they want ,home or assistant living, nursing home care or staying at home with health care and home maintenance (cooking&leaning etc? I have known like situations where the KIDS want to push off their responsibilities so their life goes on with out much interruption.I myself enjoy the family surroundings rather then some isolated living quarters away from the family.
My son has power of attorney over both my self and my wife. His commitment to both me and his mother was instituted years ago and I can tell you, NO MATTER HOW it goes for me, I will expire in my own bed. His promise to me will be kept no matter what. There is no reason under the son to replace loving family care with outside people unless there is illness that requires ICU care 24/7.
I know you are suffering with the thought of other then home care, and what facility will show honor to your parent-s and have staff that is of the mind set as you, your self has.
Old folks still require love and affection regardless of circumstances. To be needed and wanted is uppermost in their thoughts, rather then living day to day awaiting the angels to com e and take them to heaven. So JOHN, bless your heart and I'm sure you and your family will do the right thing . REGARDS , OLD LOU.

When I was 50 I also had a pulmonary embolism. Drove
myself to the hospital, they kept me for a week. I
am now taking coumadin, go in to be tested every few
weeks. While I was there they discovered I also had
congestive heart failure, a bad valve, one chamber
not beating as strong as the others, and type II
diabetes. And then I drove myself home.

Tough spot to be in John and I sure don't have any answers. My dad passed away 19 years ago and my mom has dementia/alzhiemers. She also lives 750 miles away. I have two brothers and two sisters that live within 30 miles of her. We have 24/7 care for her. She has enough mental capacity to know she does not want to go to a nursing home. And she does as well as she does because she has lived there for 60 years. Brought her out here 2 years ago for 2 weeks and she cried the whole time wanting to go home. You want to do what is "best" but who really knows best?

I have been there with my mom she stayed with us until the end when she passed last month at 94 at the end she had a lot more bad days the good the thing with us she would not have done good anywhere but with us we all worked different shifts so someone was always here with her till the end one thing I will say is that I would do it again in a heartbeat and I wouldn't the last six months for anything

Being on our county Department of Human Services Board, also means that I am on the Board of Directors for our county Medical Care Facility. We all try really hard to provide the best care we possibly can for our residents. Our facility is clean, well-run, but it isn't and can't be home. But many of our residents take part in the various activities provided and enjoy their stay for the most part. We too, have had to make the decision to put my wife's mother in the home, and it's not easy, but when the time comes it is the best thing to do for everyone.

John, I've been there and will be there again. My wife and I moved from Michigan to Oregon. My parents sold their farm and moved with us. They knew they were going to need care and they wanted us to be the ones providing the care. After my parents moved to Oregon, they purchased a double wide in a seniors only park. They lived there six years and really liked it. My wife and I saw that they were starting to fail, so we put a single wide on our property and my parents moved into it. My dad only lasted a few months and then he had a massive stroke and passed away. Mon lived in the single wade for six more years until she had a series of strokes and we just couldn't care for her any more. She lived another two years in a nursing home. Somebody from the family saw her everyday. I've always felt that the reason she got decent care is because we checked on her so much. Now my wife's mom lives in the single wide. She is happy and doing well there. Hopefully, she can live there until the Lord calls her home.

The important question. Are they saved?

My first wife was disabled and I had to put her in an adult foster home when she was 46. The first home was lousy but they knew that I stopped every day after work, so everything was fine when I got there/ My wife wasn't able to verbalize what bothered her. a bout a month and a half later I got the opportunity to take a premium run that started in the afternoon. I stopped by in the morning and saw what was really going on. I moved her to a different home and always changed up my and her family's visit times. This was a good home. a real family setting. She passed after 8 years in that home. After 8 years shoulder to shoulder with the caregiver caring for my wife, we decided we had a lot in common. We ended up getting married and I now live in an adult foster home. When I get home from work, its "will you fix this, or do you feel like taking george for a drive (he sure likes that old pickup). I am now part of an evolving family. The people in our home all deserve and get respect, and become part of the family for the time they are here.
Tim in OR

I do understand, live it every day. Dad died 3 year ago. Mid brain stroke and on blood thinner. Nothing to do, he lasted a little over 18 hours. I stay with my mom, shes 85, had a brain injury a few years ago and congestive heart failure. Lady comes in and stays during the day. I do the best I can. She wanted to come home after her last heart episode, pet her cat, and die in peace at home. So, that's what I do....