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O/T Advise about Girlfriends son

S

SDE

Well-known Member
He argues with his Mother(I know, it takes two)He is 20. No car, no job. His father was a alcoholic/drug user and died a few years ago. Laura divorced him when Josh was a baby. She remarried and he died about 4 years ago. Neither man helped him to develope any skills. He had a car but his friends wrecked it. He had a job but could not get to work on time or stay there long enough to get through the probationary period. I was going to stain her deck today but guess who did not finish sanding it for her. (had two weeks to do it) No he is to busy playing computer games online or watching T.V..
Any suggestions? I know enough about me to know that I need to keep my distance from him.
Thank you
Steve
 
Sorry to say this but, there is nothing you can do. So, either accept the situation and continue to see your GF or move on along and find someone else.
 

I'd break all ties right now and live a happy life......
Otherwise, you's gonna always play second fiddle and be robbed blind.....
Your choice..........
You might try to show him a little attention and a few pointers if he's interested...
maybe he's never drove a tractor or been fishin..........
 
I am not in this to win. I was hoping that someone could share what may have worked for them, in a simular situation.
SDE
 
Unless you are ready to have a life long roommate like you jsut described I'd move on. If mama hasn't taken care of the issue in 20 years I doubt she will in the next 20.
 
He had his Dad's boat and sold it. I have thought about teaching him about tractors, but I really hope that he never remembers where I live. I don't lock anything up. I only take the keys out of my car when I am at their house. So that he can't take it.
SDE
 
hard to call,but the very first thing i would do is see where mama stands. If she REALLY wants him gone then you might get involved.if she defends him, graciously bow out.
 
(quoted from post at 12:15:56 09/26/12) He had his Dad's boat and sold it. I have thought about teaching him about tractors, but I really hope that he never remembers where I live. I don't lock anything up. I only take the keys out of my car when I am at their house. So that he can't take it.
SDE
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You were lookin for a shot when ya found her, you'll be a lot happier if ya just keep lookin......

Just print all these responses and put them in a safe place for future reference if you choose to ignore the advice....

Good Luck.
 
You can't do much . You are not married, it is not your house, she is an enabler and that probably won't change. Move on.You will never have a happy life with her as long as her son is in the house.
 
(quoted from post at 14:15:56 09/26/12) He had his Dad's boat and sold it. I have thought about teaching him about tractors, but I really hope that he never remembers where I live. I don't lock anything up. I only take the keys out of my car when I am at their house. So that he can't take it.
SDE
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It's clear you don't trust him. This trust issue will always, rear it's ugly head. Even after he show's improvment (LOL). Everytime he hiccups, the first thought that goes through your mind is " he ain't never gonna be worth a crap".

This relationship is not going to work. If She don't care enough to raise her son with common values, how can you expect it to work? They are two peas in a pod most likely. She's over compensating for her not providing him with a viable father figure. That guilt trip will be the death of any long term relationship.

You just need to decide, what your willing to live with, since you'll be the one doing all the changing. JMHO
 
Been there, done that. LUCKILY, I never married the lady. You already have two strikes against you and if the girlfriend takes his side over yours, your life will be miserable. My advice is to cut your losses and run. Fast.
 
Tough situation. I take it that you really like the woman and would like to keep the relationship. Here are my thoughts:

1. Talk to the GF.
2. Agree that you and your gf are moving to your place
3. Share with the GF that you will help her son get his own place
4. Tell the son that he can not live with the two of you since you are trying to get a great relationship going with his mama.
 
My wife and I went through this with our own child. We presented a united front on how this child was disciplined. Gave the child everything needed to make it through school, but never spoiling, child had to earn it. We stopped short of throwing the child out of the house after setting and enforcing rules. Given the situation, which is too long to explain here, our child would probably not have made it if cast out. We have provided professional help and the situation is improving. It is doubtful if our child will ever be able to function in a normal environment due to Autism.

In your situation, it would make sense to move on. You did not have any part in the child"s development and unless there is a diagnosis of mental disease with treatment, this boy"s condition will only worsen. Your statement about needing to keep your distance from him is a powerful signal that you should heed. Maybe there is someone who will reach out to him, but it might not be your path.
 
Doubtful you'll change the situation much, if at all. Good chance things will only continue to get worse. If the boys mother is content to let a 20 year old "child" dictate the direction of her life, as well as potentially YOUR life, she's just as much a part of the problem as the boy is. You can take this on a a "project" if you think you're "Dr Phil" enough to handle the task, or you can drop back and punt. Let the GF know things are at an impass until there's some sort of change. If she's not willing, you have the deck stacked against you. Time to make other plans. A 20 year old who doesn't respect his mother or a potential step father is a ticking time bomb. Been there with my wife's sister and her son. They broke the spirit of 3 good men over a 10 year period. Then the boy ended up in prison, wife's sister in mental hospital. Do you want to be a part of that? There are plenty of fish in the sea. Time to go fishing.
 
I'll join the run don't walk away,life's to short and its not worth it.She sounds like she has more problems than he does,you can't change a Tiger's stripes and they're both sound like they're looking for someone to sponge off of.
 
My situation was a little different, I married a woman with a kid like that. But what worked the best for me, was the day he moved out and his mom went with him.
 

Do the right thing. You offered to stain her deck. Now you'll need to finish sanding before you can do that, but fulfill your commitment no matter what it takes.

When you're done, sit back and re-assess the situation and decide if her baggage is worth the trip you want to take with her.
 
Calmly bow out and get Rid of them both. You Will Not Change either of them. I was in a situation like that several years ago except she had a lazy daughter. About bled me dry before she dumped me. Still run across them ever now and then. Nothing has changed with either of them. Get out while you can.
 
I've worked with young adults and their families for years. The situation you are describing has less than a 10% chance of succeeding. Most end up on the streets, overdosing, stealing, getting killed or back in prison.

Good Luck!
 
Please read my earlier message then either sign on for the duration or sign out of the situation. It"s a long hard road to recovery.
 
Print all this out and let her read it !!!!

Lots of BTDT good advice below. Learn from others mistakes.
 
Hmmm....Tough to do this but....If I was you talk that kid into joining the navy. Or....Have a man to man talk with him and let him know that he has to work and not be a lazy POS and a mooch. Also unplug the TV. If none of these work then leave that broad and move on.
 
this is my favorite option

(quoted from post at 12:43:08 09/26/12) Tough situation. I take it that you really like the woman and would like to keep the relationship. Here are my thoughts:

1. Talk to the GF.
2. Agree that you and your gf are moving to your place
3. Share with the GF that you will help her son get his own place
4. Tell the son that he can not live with the two of you since you are trying to get a great relationship going with his mama.
Click to expand...
 

I know all to well what you going threw: the way
I looked at my problem was:2 options:
1. Live with it and do not complain,
2. Show a lot of ruff love ;
drop them both: and make you life better I it will make you a better man in the long run
So dumping both of them it might make them
GROW AND TO RESPECT OTHERS.
I have have all was said:
what makes perfect relationship is:
1. COMMITMENT
2. RESPECT
3. HONESTY
4. TRUST
IF YOU DO HAVE THAT IN YOUR HEART YOU HAVE NOTHING;
GOD BLESS HAVE A GREAT DAY
JR FRYE
 
About the only way a "package deal" works is if the kid(s) are young enough that you can help shape them, which is usually age 5 or under. This kid is already "made", and you're not going to change him. And even if you could, it would take some "tough love" moves that Mama isn't going to stand for.

These package deals only work if you're copacetic with the whole package, going in. This one will end up a mess, ga-ron-teed.
 
I well know that the military may help him but without the Old Army A-- EatingI am not sure thay can do it. Would you believe i knew a 22 year old tough Cavalry Trooper that was given the old fashioned A-- Chewing on Rattlesnake mountain at Fort Hood Texas. The first Leutenant never touched the young trooper but brought tears to his eyes with words only. I doubt the officers and NCO's do it that way now.
 
I grew up with step fathers mother couldn't stay married too long.
The last one took me in like his own he taught me to be a mechanic we did lots of things together except hunting and fishing bummer.
When I had trouble with my car he was there to guide me not to do the work. I appreciate what he taught me but he was just a step father and I always will remember him as that.
Try to find what the kid likes and do things with him. He feels lost right now so never, never yell at him just ask him to do things he will come around in time if you are his friend.
Also tell your new wife to stop arguing with him that only makes things worse. Set down a few simple rules that he can do, don't try to live his life you will only make things worse.
Remember one important thing YOU are the commer to the family not him.try to fit in.
Walt
 
Run, don,t walk, away from your girlfriend. I married a woman who had a 20 year old and over the years she kept feeding him cash and providing him a safe haven in our home until he drained most of our savings for retirement. I finally gave her a choice, me or him, and when she would not send him packing I left and filed for divorce. Most of savings gone but at least I am not contributing to a LNGSB who thought his mother owed him support. 25 wasted years.
 
Try to find what the kid likes and do things with him. He feels lost right now so never, never yell at him just ask him to do things he will come around in time if you are his friend.
Click to expand...

I tried this route once.
Momma got PO'd because I was trying to take her "little boy" away. :roll:
Needless to say it didn't work out for me.
 
I would sand then stain the deck and end it with" my work here is done". As for me, I would rather be alone than in a bad relationship. All of these comments probably were not what you wanted to hear, but they all seem to point the same direction.
 
(quoted from post at 14:39:58 09/26/12) I well know that the military may help him but without the Old Army A-- EatingI am not sure thay can do it. Would you believe i knew a 22 year old tough Cavalry Trooper that was given the old fashioned A-- Chewing on Rattlesnake mountain at Fort Hood Texas. The first Leutenant never touched the young trooper but brought tears to his eyes with words only. I doubt the officers and NCO's do it that way now.
Click to expand...

While it's a kinder, gentler military now they still chew butt. They cannot hit them, call them names but they can still chew. Proof that it works is the job our men and women have done over the last 11 years.

Will it make a man of him? NO! Yeasteryear your were in until you died, got out, when your enlistment expired or through jail. Now they just kick out the problem children. They were doing that before I retired.

On to the original question. Run! Because of 20 years in the military I saw far too many situations like yours! I never saw one work out to a good end. Last one I saw, 18 yo step son was busted while step dad was in the field carrying a .38 running with a gang in the on post NCO housing area. Soldier is responsible for his dependants actions on post.....wasn't good. Mom walked out on him because he refused to bail the poo head out. Tried taking him for everything she could. He killed himself after the divorce. The boy got 5 years in a fed lockup for have an unregestered firearm on base. Mom got busted downtown a few months later selling drugs trying to raise enough money for an appeal.

Rick
 
I will put it to you like this, Do you realy think things will get better? By reading your post I can tell he gets on your nerves big time and you dont want to be around him at all! As long as she lets him get by with it HE WILL NEVER CHANGE and she will be suporting him till the day she dies and will bleed you and her DRY! Dont walk away,,,, RUN! Life is to short to put yourself through that amount of BULL S%!T !!! Take it from someone thats been in your shoes allready, RUN! Bandit
 
I wouldn't walk away from this whole schtick, I'd RUN!!!!!!!

There's not one single thing in this situation except more grief for you. Let it be someone else's problem.
 
I married almost 40 years ago, second for both of us. She has 2 boys, were 6 and 8. Their father had beat on them and they couldn't seem to form any kind of relationship with me. I should have gotten help to learn to cope but money was short. The younger one finally left when he was about 30 but the older one is still living with us, 50 next year. He has sworn at me and threatened me. The next time a dr asks me if I feel safe I'll tell him no. His mother defends him (always my fault) and totally ignores me when he's in the room. Kinda funny, he's been gone on vacation the last 2 weeks and she complained she spent time making supper and had to eat alone. It's never made any difference before whether I was there or not. She moved out of the bedroom 11 years ago because I sold the development rights to my farm to the state, can't be built on. She said I cheated my kids out of their inheritance. I realized she's had her eye on that land since we met. Rant done, thanks for reading.
 
You stated that you don't trust the son, he is lazy and is nothing but trouble. Most of responses here are from people using their big head to think of why she would be a big mistake. Are you thinking with your little head? Because I can't think of a single reason (other than THAT) to stay with the woman. If you just want THAT out of a woman, a hooker is a lot cheaper.
Remember that a divorce is a screwing you get for the screwing you got. (Okay, I cleaned it up a little)
 
The whole problem in most of these situations is the Lord gave man a brain, and He gave man a peni$, but He only gave man enough of a blood supply to use one at a time.
 
From a woman's perspective...

Don't know your age, but if you were my son, I'd tell you to RUN like you have Satan on your tail - and NEVER look back! Your GF is enabling her son to be a major loser and that is NOT likely to ever change. Life if too short to deal with that kind of drama everyday for the rest of your life. Do not waste the remainder of your life being aggravated every day.

Life can be greatly enjoyed by oneself - I am married, but I have seen people live-out singleness in a great way. I have also observed people being miserable "together". I'd rather be alone than miserable.

Do the things you love to do and hang out with people who have similar values to you. THEN is when you may find a woman who is right for you. IF NOT, then just enjoy your life to the fullest with friends and hobbies/activities that you enjoy.

Best wishes for your future!
SweetFeet
 
If she had moved out of the bedroom eleven years ago you should have helped her move on outside. I would have. The two boys should have been gone when they turned twenty one and probably her with them if she treats you like that. Don't know your situation but life isn't long enough to live like that.
 
Will you be happy in a relationship like this???. At his age only prison will help him, if that even does. And he will never leave unless His mother forces it. Run, don't walk to the nearest exit.
 
(quoted from post at 16:16:14 09/26/12) Get him to join the Navy.
If he wont join then tell the GF you are leaving.
And do it!
Click to expand...

Navy ain't gonna help that yougster one bit. My son was in a couple of years ago. He was telling me the same things I saw in the Army. If they are a pain the azz, lazy or a trouble maker, and the command thinks nothing will change they are in civvy land in just a few weeks. Just too expensive to jail em over minor stuff.

LOL, another son and I drove down to Great Lakes Naval Training Station when he graduated boot. One unit we saw marching on post was out of step and singing BINGO as cadance......that was about 8 years ago! Yup the Navy will sure make a man out of him......just about as good as the Army will. It ain't the same as when we trained.

Rick
 
Just too bad the draft system was dropped .. I'd say this young man needs education on the real world real time.

Even if it were only for the time of the 6-8 weeks training .. bet there would be a showing of a lot more respect.
 
Why do you have to 'do something'? You aren't committed to the GF. Just
don't get married until you are certain you can deal with the situation on a long term basis. Time will tell if it won't work out for you.
 
You are not going to right a situation like this that has been going on for 20 years. It is the mothers place to put him where he belogs-----on his own.
 
Hopeless mess of a fella ,,just a few ideas to raise better citizens .. everyone should serve at least 1 yr in military ,with the same style sarges we had 50- yrs ago , and everyone should be a salesman for a year also ...
 
He had a sports injury to his knee that disqualifies him from Military service. Good advise though
USAF 76 to 80
SDE
 
She is very accepting of everything I do. And that is a big WOW all by itself. She is nearly 100% different than my ex-wife was when I was still married.
 
Mom will spend weekends at my house. A couple of those times he had loud parties and in the end a restraining order was issued to keep him out of the neighborhood. He ended up in jail for over a week and then stay at a friends for a month. The friend's mother could not take it anymore and she told him to get out to. He has a job interview with his former enployer tomorrow. Maybe eveyone will get lucky.
SDE
 
(quoted from post at 23:00:13 09/26/12) Mom will spend weekends at my house. A couple of those times he had loud parties and in the end a restraining order was issued to keep him out of the neighborhood. He ended up in jail for over a week and then stay at a friends for a month. The friend's mother could not take it anymore and she told him to get out to. He has a job interview with his former enployer tomorrow. Maybe eveyone will get lucky.
SDE
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You need to set your standards higher when looking for women. I know you have high standards already or you wouldn't be asking for advice here.
 
I figure that my divorce cost me over $250K. I have my eyes wide open.
SDE
 
walt that is advice that a saint could follow ,,and with enuf prayer and God inspired patience it is the best hope ...It Works Best when everyone tries to be t5heir best and live like J-sus teaches Us ... sadly though. the Modern creed for many has become ,, if you can float it, or fly it, or f--- it ,, you are money ahead to rent it ...
 
I have read all of your comments and would like to thank all of you for your responses. I had a conversation with Laura about a year ago about what I saw as roadblocks in our relationship. She agrees with me about them. I make about twice the money she does and she never asks for a dime and spends more on me than I do on her. Evidently I must be worth it. I was just Hoping to get some input on making this situation better. I am not a teacher. When I try to give instructions, it is more like I am dictating orders. My problem, and so I feel the need to keep my distance from the KID.
Thank you everyone
SDE
 
SDE: Set her down and let her read this post. Maybe seeing that most men would kick her to the curb for the actions of her son may wake her up.

If not then I am in the Run Forest Run camp. I really believe if you stay with her you can just copy this post and repost it every ten years and just change the son's age in the post.
 
I got a buddy who married into the exact situation you described about 10 years ago. Finally got the derelict out of the house at age 32. Derelict let slip that mom had willed her half of his stuff to him when she passes. He confronted her and sure enough she changed her will.

He's heart sick now and is feeling really betrayed.

IF you going to get involved I'd get an attorney involved, prenup?, and protect your assets.

Then again if the milks free why would you buy the cow.
 
My father told all of us kids. When you turn 18 start packing your bags. Because you will not be living at home. He dropped me off at the exam station for the Navy. Told me you are now on your own. When I came home from boot camp. I called him. He told me see you when you get here.I was on my own.

This kid needs to go. She needs to make a choice you or him.
 
SDE,
I feel for you.
Getting today"s youth motivated to grow up is a HUGE societal problem.
Objectively:
You are in love with Laura.
Son needs help.
Son needs to be weaned of his mother.
You are aware of your own inability to teach.
(I have similar teaching issue with my sons, not enough patience.)
Suggest you sit down with Laura, son if he is willing and career counselor or job coach to come up with a game plan to develop the boys life/independence. Need everyone"s input and buy in to the plan. Give it your best shot to make it better.
If it works you all will have a family.
If it fails you and/or Laura will then have to make a choice. If Laura can"t wean him then you it really would be time to go.
Know none of this is easy.

Pete
 
Bud you're being set up to be a sucker by both of them,I don't care how good she is in the sack you'll get sick of it real quick in the situation you're heading into.Guess where Old Fools come from? They were once young fools.
 
RUN! If you get serious with her and marry her, you are marrying HIM too. They are attached like siamese twins.

She might be wonderful to you, but you"re probably looking through rose-colored glasses right now too. It"s reality check time. You"re probably in for a big mess and a grievous mistake if you get serious with a woman who has baggage in the form of an attached deadbeat son.

And you say that her 2 previous husbands died? I"d be worried about your own life expectancy too.

It"s too bad that the lad didn"t have a father figure growing up. I feel sorry for the kid in that sense. But he"s got to change. It won"t happen as long as she"s enabling him. He needs to be put out. Tough love, but it works.

There are many fine single women out there looking for a good man, and lots of dating sites. Keep looking. She"s not the only woman in the world. Sure, everyone"s got baggage, but some women have baggage that will be a nuisance to you, while others have baggage that will destroy you and you"ll never be a happy man.

I divorced 2 years ago after 22 years. Saw her through rose-colored glasses while dating and I regret that I didn"t get advice from a bunch of other guys who were better able to see the warning signs than I was. She turned out to be a nightmare, and I lost over half of everything. I wish I had a few guys back then pull me aside and tell me to RUN RUN RUN before I tied the knot with her.
 
As a person that works in the mental health field I will tell you:
She considers him more important to her than you are (he's her boy)
She feels guilty about the way he turned out and tries to compensate for his being a total bum.I have seen this in my own extended family)
You cannot change his or her behaviour
This relationship is 99% likely to fail with bad results for you and great emotional and financial consequences.

As a regular dude, let me tell you this:
I take it that you are in the 40-50 year old range. There are 2-3 single women for every single men at your age. Most single men your age are either substance abusers, Mama's boys or "on the other team". You sound like a straight up dude so I know that you dont have to put up with this crap.
Like I tell my son everyday...you dont have to get your equipment from the junk yard. You can probably take your pick of divorced or widowed ladies.
DUMP HER!!!
It aint worth the lining of your stomach.
One of my good buddies(a Great American, no doubt) sums up his criteria for a mate as "her kids are grown and gone and her Momma is dead" He found a good one that met the criteria and they have a great time.
Remember: No one likes cleaning up someone elses crap.
Not to mention the possible serial killer thing.
 
What would it take to get you involved with this kid and his problems without the mother?????

If the answer is "nothing would induce me to get involved with him"...then you have the answer.

Mother and son are a package deal. Buy one get one free.
 
AS far as how to deal with her kid.....you can't! He's over 18 and can pretty much do what he wants. If he will not listen then he is making his own path and she is enabling him by letting him live at home.

As a joke (and my kids knew it) they were told that the were under the 1890 program........turn 18 you got 90 minutes to pack your stuff and get out!

In real time I came up with my "4 ain't" program for over 18.

If you ain't in school.......

Or if you ain't working......

Or you ain't following the rules of my house......

[b:12626cee1a]YOU AIN"T LIVING HERE![/b:12626cee1a]

My 3rd kid, a daughter put that too the test......she failed.

But that ain't yer kid so you got no say in it unless you move her into your house with the understanding that he is only allowed there at Christmas, and then one day only. Lay that out for her. Tell her you are ready to mave her in with you but her son falls under that one day rule. Bet she drops you like a hot rock! That should give you the knowledge you seek....grass hopper.

Rick
 
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