Way OT:Simultaneous health failure of parents and care

Way way OT: but I need therapy from my YT friends. Dads health slipped 2 wks ago with bad UTI and hosp stay for 2 weeks. Mom has dementia and theres no way for her to understand that she does have it. Dads home now, whoopee. Mom can care for herself but is losing it. Dad is p@@ing all over but otherwise good but confused. Hosp and doctors insist they have 24 hour care. I already have all their finances in order and am POA. My siblings and I (the only one in town) are trying to swap care duties. I have found a friend with a team of ladies that sits with elderly but she needs time to build schedule. the truth is, my parents are in the weird inbetween stage of staying at home or going to a home where they would be safer. We love them but cannot continue 24/7 coverage. I am exhausted but do not want to go to bed cuz then tomorrow will come and I must do it again. So here I type at 12;30 AM with only 4 hours sleep last night cuz being tired is better than being exhausted (does that make sense?). I talked calmly with them but mom forgets ten mins. later and dad really don't care. We knew they would get old but never dreamed they would both fail at once. We promised to keep them in their house but this is killing me. Tonight i had chest pains but told no one. There are fate's worse than dying. Thanks, I needed to vent.

We'll keep you in our prayers redtom.
There's not much one can say at this point to relieve your pain.
I lost my dad 12 years ago, but my mom is still with us.
I can't imagine having to provide that kind of care for both at once.

Do them and yourself a favor and put them in a skilled nursing care center.
I know that is hard but this is hard too, both on you and them.
They will get better care than you can give, they will be safer-healthier and your family can live their lives.
I know as we waited until Aunt Ernie's mom was past where she shold have gone in and she only lived a short time. Had she given up her home a couple years sooner she might still be with us now. But we promiced her she could stay in her home... bad choice in hind sight.

I have a friend that is going through a similar thing. Here is what he has done. His mother is 83, she lived with him and his wife for 2 years--until she fell and couldnt get up while he and his wive were at work. He put her in an assisted living arrangement with nurses down the hall, it is a nice nursing home with her own room. This was the best option for his mother and the VA pays for it cause his dad was a Korean war vet. His dad died 15 years ago. This nursing home place is $2,300 per month I think. His mother is on Oxygen 24/7 due to smoking for over 60 years. My friend says that he is suprised to see that she lasted this long, he told me that he thinks she will pass away this winter.
Do your parents have any type of insurance for this? Can you sell their home to pay for it, at least part way?
Important statement here, be sure that you dont tie your assets to your parents or the hospitals and doctors and vultures may come and get your money after they are gone. Be sure to also get pre arranged funeral plans. Plots/caskets/service. I may be sounding kinda morbid, but to get it planned makes it easier when it does happen. Good Luck.

get some kinda help before you do something stupid.... If they are in that bad of shape, they ain't gonna know the difference between their house and a nursing home.....
You're gonna feel a lot worse when you have a breakdown or they set themselves on fire in that house.... You said you'd take care of them so do it as you see fit. Anyone that holds it against you ain't worth bein around anyway...

Best of luck in whatever route you take.........

RedTom,
So sorry, what a hard situation. Sounds to me like they need to be in a home - or hire someone full time to be there (but hard to find someone you can trust to do a good job). At least in a home, workers are overseen by nurses/supervisors.

*Try to find out if there are any volunteer organizations in your area that can help out some to give you relief.

If your dad is lucid, I would just talk to him and tell him that you just cannot handle it and that he and your mom need to go in a home or hire someone to do live-in care. While you and your siblings love your parents, you also deserve to have a life.

I hope that if/when the day comes when I can no longer care for myself... that I will be a strong enough person to refuse all medical care (except pain relief to keep me comfortable), in hope of making my passing go more quickly. I do not want to be a burden on my children.

My mother (90) went into assisted living 2 years ago. 2 months ago we had to put her in skilled nursing. Sounds like they both need to be evaluated and possibly placed where it best serves their needs. My mother has the later stages of dementia so I understand. I am also POA for her finances and I had to make sure she had care 24/7. These decisions aren't easy. I told my siblings what I was doing every step of the way so everyone knew what was happening and why. They were all allowed input. Professional evaluations are needed to help you in the decision. Keep your health. If you go down, who can help them? Hope this helps. Gerard

All good advise, I had both in at same time and in 2 different homes. So I know what you are going thru. Also things were not done soon enough so ended up loosing the farm. NOW FOR THOSE CHEST PAINS, GET TO THE HOSPITAL YESTERDAY AND GET CHECKED OUT and let someone know what is happening. Last spring was having chest and back pains all the time, finly just chest pain hit 10 minutes after wife got home from work and in bed. Told here was heading to hospital. Time is a blur but ended up with 5 bypasses, 2 @99%, one over 90% an 2 over 85%, in hospital for 6 days. Couple of years earlier had what I thought was a mild heart attack but did not go in to be checked out till my boss at the time, am now retired, found out, was on a wed and did not go in untill sat and they could not find anything but if I would have gone in that day (was a snow storm at the time) I may not have had to go thru this bypass surgery.

As a nurse,my wife has been involved in home health care for years. I'm saying this just to relieve some of your guilt for one of the promises you made. Seems everybody tells the elderly that they won't ever put them in a home,but there comes a time that you have to break that promise. She and I have seen it time after time,over and over. You're only human,there's only so much one person can do. If they were in their right mind,they would agree with you. As your parents,they love you and wouldn't want you going through this if they really knew what they were doing to you.

I know what you are going through. My mother is much the same way except she cannot even hardly make a sandwich for herself anymore. But she does know her home and because of the familiarity she does better there than anywhere else. She stills knows enough to say she wants to stay in her own home. We have found it is cheaper (meaning her finances will last longer) to hire 24 hour care than it is for a nursing home. There are many organizations offering caregiver services which include meal preparation and light cleaning, from two hours a day to 24/7. The team of ladies sounds like a good step toward reliving you and you do need to take care of you. It is very hard to see our parents this way because they do not act like the parents we knew.
My Prayers are with you and your family.

Alzheimer's and dementia are harder on the caregiver than on the patient. They can't remember what you tell them for 2 minutes,they don't know who you are, or only remember things from the past; can't remember how to do anything. Also there is nnalert's syndrome: where they become more agitated in the evening hours and want to leave and go "home", even tho they are home: they WILL leave and wander off. The safest thing is for them to be in a secured assisted nursing facility; safest for them and for your health.It is extremely stressful on you,and stress will kill you AND THEN WHO WILL CARE FOR THEM?
Mark

I am learning full speed on the care issue. Its not all cut and dried. Home care is aprrox 20$ per hour, times 24 hurs times 365 days... you do the math. What a screwing that is. Basically for someone a creepy stranger, to sit and watch TV with them and get up and help him p@@. Mom is able to care for herself but its like the movie Groundhog Day. Every day I must start over explaining all the issues and day to day stuff. She can sleep right through all his potty breaks. Plus shes mean! she hates everyone! Medicade/care pays for NOTHING for home care unless skilled nursing is ordered by a doctor. You are on your own for paying.

Wish there was an easy answer.... Lost Dad to cancer pretty quick at 53. He was ate up before something made him go to the doctor.. Mom is 77 now and healthy as a horse, just a little rattlebrained sometimes. She lives in a secure apartment complex (??) where there is someone there on duty 24/7 but they have their own apartments then common activity areas... Real nice place and visitors have to buzz the outside door and she buzzes them in. Her telephone is next to the receiver for the door. I usually have to call her 3 or 4 times to get to talk to her. She'll say "well get up here!", push her buzzer and hang up on me :roll: Brother finally got her neighbor's phone number and gave it to me cause he got tired of driving across town to tell her I was on the phone.....

My dad passed a year ago this last March, it was a tough time, shortly before he went we had to make the decisions you are now, it isn't easy. Our problem was dad had re-married and one of her daughters that put her and dad through heck (twins at 16, drugs/detox, DUI's and inconsistent employment to pay for any of the above) was having a hissy fit that we were putting dad in a home. But with Dad's kids all more than 100 miles away we couldn't do much and we knew the step daughter would be to busy partying to help out. We told the step-mom that as much as we would like to keep him at home he was dying, she wasn't and he needed to go where he could get care and she wouldn't kill herself giving it to him. If your having heart problems you need to take care of yourself first, what will it do to your dad if he finds out you died trying to take care of him? That's a load of doo-doo you don't want to put on him at this point in his life, your mom won't remember but if your dad is still lucid you need to care for him AND you. Tell him you're having the heart problems he may understand you having to move them to assisted living, your mom is in LA-LA land she won't remember, may even think she's staying in a hotel while you're redecorating the house.

Praying for you and your parents in this situation. Check social services. Sometimes they provide a caregiver. Dave

Redtom,

We experienced the same thing in my family a few years ago. Three of my grandparents were getting bad right in succession. My parents and one aunt could not keep up. Too heavy to lift without a lift, bathing, etc. It was slowly mentally killing my parents.

Being one step removed, my sister and I convinced them it was time for the senior center/convalesant home. It was a little tough convincing my parents, since they thought they were admitting defeat by being unable to care for their parents.

When we put the grandparents in, you could see the stress immediately go away from my parents, AND my grandparents were happy, they could talk to lots of others their age all day.

I guess what I am saying is, look at what you have said and pretend it is some one other than, say one of your friends. What advice would you give them? When its family people tend to make decisions based more on emotion that the data presented to them.

My advice (cause I am that person that doesnt have a vested interest but you asked for an opinion)....

Your own words, you said it killing you (physical), you cant sleep (physical and mental stress), exhausted (mental) I think you should check into permanent care for them, before you end up along with them with a heart issue.

Reviewing what I typed, please read it as advice, nothing is meant to sound mean at all. You asked a tough question, and I find its hard to answer those questions typing on a computer.

Good luck in your choice,
Rick

The lady with the team stopped by and can do 3 nights a week 12 hrs each until she can develop a full schedule. We must cover days which is a strtch because at least one of five siblings can't be "bothered". Only me and one other live in town which is tough too. She knows my mom and convinced her she is just "helping" til dad feels better but the idea is to turn it into a permanent thing cuz mom's dementia will only get worse. I have prayed and prayed on this and thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. I know a nursing home will come maybe sooner than later but at least maybe they can be home till one dies or mom can no longer understand whats happening. I know my health and their safety is important and I always figured they would be open to the assisted living idea when the time came. But, they are not "people" persons and don't like the idea of bingo and visiting and mom hates being waited on and wants to do her own cooking. regards, Tom

I feel for you. I spent 5 weeks this past spring taking care of my MIL while she was dying. It was awful, not having her here or even going way, way past my comfort level and helping here use the john and such, but the stress it put on my wife and me. We begged her and my FIL to move up with us for 10 years, he was stricken with a stroke that cost him his left side 20 years back. They would have been in what amounted to an apartment off the main house. She wouldn't give up her "freedom" and martyrdom of having to care for him 24/7. It was stupid, but that's the way it was. His dementia finally got bad enough that she started over medicating him and he ended up in a nursing home. Now, on proper meds, he's a healthy as can be but absolutely miserable. She ended up with liver cancer and died here at our home.

In retrospect it would have been better for everyone if we'd been a lot tougher on her and forced her hand and either got her into an assisted living center or up here 10 years back. Now, the gov't will get their home since they were New Deal nnalert and believed FDR was going to be there to take care of them in their old age and they wouldn't need to plan for it at all and they had NOTHING out by to live on or pay for care. It was a raw deal all around really, and all because of stubbornness and us not wanting to hurt her feelings.

Sorry, now I'm the one venting. Take care of yourself or you are no good to them or your other family. That's step one.