What to do

Wife told me she was out of ideas to fix our ''relationship'', I never really knew it was broken. Been married 29 years, kids grown and on their own, I will talk nice and just say that she has been hard to satisfy the last several years, I worked and made the living, she has not held an outside job since 1985, house and land paid for. I will give her the house, her cars, whatever she wants per month, half my pay or whatever, she is entitled to half my pension up to this point, she says none of that is good enough, she wants me to act like I give a dam and work on the ''relationship'', I thought working and supporting your family and not running around was doing all that but apparently I was wrong. Even though our kids are grown I do feel bad about divorcing with their Momma.

have you tried prayer ?

You talk about what your wife wants, but what do you want? It doesn't sound like there's much left of your marriage. I'm guessing you are in your mid-fifties; that's pretty young these days. There's no reason to stay in a failed marriage for the next thirty years.

On the other hand, maybe counseling will help your wife with her problems. Quite frankly, it's been my experience that people are set in their ways by the time they're nineteen years old and few people can change when they're over fifty.

Decide whether or not your marriage is worth salvaging; if it is give counseling a shot. At the very least it might help the two of you to make the split without being bitter about each other. If you decide to divorce, retain a good attorney, as it sounds like you have a lot at stake.

have you ever watched the movie fire proof if contains some interesting facts about a troubled marriage

Take Viagra and see what happens.
So she hasnt worked 25 years? She may have lost touch with the fact that working for a living is important and the whole world isnt about her.
A good friend of mine has a brother that married a girl right out of high school. They were married 28 years and just got divorced, 4 girls the youngest is 18 I think, the oldest is 28. This woman NEVER worked and has NEVER learned the concept that you have WORK to earn money. And the money doesnt grow on trees.
Stupid 8itch.

My wife told me the same thing, a short time later she decided life would be much better without me around. So she decided to run me off, that was over 25 years ago, and I still thank her everday for making that decision.

Get yourself into a great shrink to get your head on right. Then you will be able to deal with this
BEEN THERE DONE IT AND STILL PAYING AS I DID NOT DO THE FOLLOWING
move as much money as you can out of your names
get rid of everything you own or move it where she dosn't know and tell her you sold it.
SHE HAS HER MIND MADE UP and will destroy you and everything you own before she is done
GET A GREAT LAWYER
DO NOT GIVE HER ANYTHING AS SHE WILL STILL TAKE 1/2 OF WHAT IS LEFT OR MORE
Good luck
Ron

Are you willing to make any investment into the relationship? Doesn't sound like it. If I'm misreading you then consider counseling. And prayer. If shes' just the woman you live with to you, then get a lawyer.

FWIW- I went through this. She may be all messed up in the head, as most women are in a mans view, but chances are you're half the problem. So you need to decide if you want your wife back, your best friend back, your marriage back. If you don't fine, if you do, then get to work. Handing her money isn't being a husband.

NOT saying this to be smart or mean BUT. The answer is there in your post, To act like you give a damn and work on the relationship, or get a divorce. Not going to be easy either way. btdt. Good luck.

Maybe you need to pay more attention to her, take her out on dates, talk to her, dinner, dancing, spend some time with her. You don't want to give her your house and half of what you have or you will end up like I have. BROKE and working your butt off, living from paycheck to paycheck just to stay alive and wondering if you will have a roof over your head every night. Sounds like she still loves you.I found out too late that there is more to being married than just working and trying to keep up with the neighbors. I have found over the years from watching women, that when they reach their fifties, something snaps in them and they aren't satisfied with their life anymore. Marriage has become a dead institution, and now all anybody wants is a "relationship". I can tell you that living by yourself after fifty is no picnic. BTDT.

WORK on the "Friends" side of the Relationship..

Above all, ya gotta be friends, or the rest will not work..

Remember..."Being Generous" in a divorce is NOT part of the equation...REMEMBER that..

Should you see it still going down hill..She will too..She will get into your Cash, Savings and make a list of Everything she can get out of you...
Be SMART and not make it easy for her to Shove it to YOU...She WILL, soon enough...Squirrel things away, put equipment at little-known friend's places, etc, etc, etc..
Give her NO CASH, once you Separate..(assuming it goes down hill)..
Maybe you Don't Have any money..(Must have Gambled it ALL away)..????
Divorce is a Dirty game and you will NOT like going there...
Ron..

You're out of your dammed mind if you don't "work on your relationship". My sister pulled that garbage on my best friend brother in law,except that SHE was the one who wouldn't "work on it". She ran off with some low life that she worked with,but now three years later,she's come to her senses and is SORRY. Too late now. He's found a heck of a nice widow.

Maybe you should be talking to her, not a bunch of guys on a tractor forum!!

Get the book named " Women are From Venus , Men are From Mars" ( or the title could be the other way around) and set down TOGETHER and read it. It's not a blame book but rather explains why men and women can say the same words but mean two diff things. We think different and talk in diff meanings. It's a wonder any relationship lasts past the lust at all. Should be a required read to get a marriage liscense. Your statements about what you "thought" you were doing and what she "percieves" you aren't doing are living proof of what this book can and will solve for you. How long would you give a marriage between an American and a Japanese if neither one spoke the others language and didn't care to learn it and thought the other "should understand " what each others meaning is??? SAME THING! GET THE BOOK! Before the love has eroded too far. Guarrantee you will think the author knew the both of you personally. RB

When was the last time you brought her flowers...or a small gift........for NO reason, except that you love her? Do you still 'court' her.........not the physical/s*x thing, but just letting her know that she's important? One of you 'worked and made the living'; what was the other one doing.......eating bon-bons and sleeping 'til Noon? I would guess NOT!!! Many relationships can be 'fixed', but BOTH parties have to work at it. Will be married 46 years next month and I ain't got a clue as to the 'why' of things, but I have figured out some/most of the 'what'.

Does she talk to other women that are "in her mind" better off than her? People can change over the years and it's not unusual for a lot of them to basically be jealous of their friends that appear to be better off or have more stuff. Unless you're really wealthy, if you separate she'd have no choice but to have to go back to work to earn a living and she'd hate that. Having said that, all the money and stuff in the world isn't what makes a relationship work. Maybe counselling is the best thing to do?

Amazing ain't it,how some people take so much pride in everything they have except their marriage. I made up my mind a long time ago,that I wanted to be half of that old couple that have been married forever and do everything together. I want to be that guy that other wives wish their husbands would be. If nothing else,I have no urge to spend my life alone,and if something should happen to my wife,do you think the women are going to beat a path to my door if I have a reputation for being some miserable PITA that my wife complained about all her life?

The summer after my wife lost her job three years ago,my cousin asked me if we were ready to kill each other yet. I honestly said heck no. We're having the time of our lives. If you're waiting for some age or event to start doing things together or enjoying life,it ain't gonna happen then either if you can't make it happen now.

Just sounds like the poster is a misserable old coot who's doomed to be alone if he doesn't take some pride in his life and marriage and put some effort in to fixing what he has. It's a pretty sure bet he ain't gonna trade up.

It sounds like she still wants to keep you if you're willing to say so too. So... why not?

Sometimes you can’t win, Can’t Win. Sometimes the thing’s just done, because over the years you’ve both grown up and become different people (or one has grown up and the other hasn’t.) You’ve received a lot of good advice here today. I can relate about living with someone “difficult” (your wife ever mention a sister you’ve never met?)

I’ll throw in a few more observations:
There are some people who cannot/will not conform to the conventional requirements/expectations of a successful relationship. If a woman (or man) is a narcissist they expect the world to revolve around them, and think that the purpose and function of the people in their lives is to furnish them with the material and emotional comfort they require. High maintenance---lots of praise, flattery, fussing-over and absolutely no criticism or well-meaning suggestion. People like this can kill your soul and you will never make them “happy”.

It is not your job (even if it were possible) to make someone else happy. In a relationship it is your job to create an environment and circumstances, including your actions and attitude, in which a reasonable, rational person has an opportunity to be happy.

Dr. Phil says something like this: “If the price you have to pay to remain in a relationship is to surrender the things that make you who you are, the price is too high.” That can be nit-picked, but you get the point. Some behavior modifications may be in order, but don’t sell your soul.

Once that old original spark is gone for one party or the other (or both) it is very, very difficult to regain. If a third party is involved, it’s virtually impossible. The relationship may continue but its nature will be very different. In your case, from this distance it’s hard to tell whether she’s really looking for a “fix” or if she’s just momentarily short on options.

By all means go to counseling and try to determine where the both of you want to be in a year, five years, twenty years. If it’s in different places, then begin carefully planning your exit strategy. Get a lawyer.

Don’t “give” her anything out of a misplaced sense of love and compassion ; only “give” her whatever she’s due plus whatever it’s worth to get yourself out of your unhappiness.

As others have said, relocate assets---especially tools, guns and other stuff that would have no sentimental or even financial importance to her, but that she would take just because she could.

I hate to sound cynical; there's nothing I like to see more than a man and a woman who are made for each other and don't seem to even have to "work" at the relationship. Cheers, Mr. and Mrs. Gitrib.

Lots of good relationship advice, not much more to add for me. Except: If things are heading for the Big D, rest assured she will have records of everything you guys own, or pics. And there is always your accountant as a source neither one of you can control.... Hiding things, selling things makes more bad blood, costs way more than it is worth (unless you like to go down with her in $$ "glory"), prolongs things, and psychologically empties you and fills the wallets of BOTH attorneys.
Not to give advice, but your personal stuff is yours, just like hers is hers, inhertances, unless kept sepaprate can become y'alls, anything aquired during marriage is splittable, on the asset as well as debt side, same with retirement(s). Even homemakers, mothers get credit for at least that of a minimum wage earner, so her contributary share is never 0%, just like yours is never 100%. Trading this for that is allowed and makes sense a lot of times. If you go down that road, your together pie will be split in your and her pie and neither will be as big as the joint one.
Alimony differs from state to state, some will get if "automatically" for specific terms, but in a lot of states, incl. OK, it seems that it is for a certain time period to alllow the career disadvantaged person in the divorce to learn a trade/college degree to better their income and work opportunities. After that it is no more.

Again, if you need to go that route, if both of you can agree to use collaborative attorneys, vs. trial attorneys or a mediator(s) to work out details with you, rather than battle things out in front of a judge, who gets to decide how it should be instead of you, you are so much better off. Plus, you will set a positive example for your children and theirs, your grandchildren, which will always connect you, even beyond divorce, until death.

heres a scenario I've seen a couple times. Date a twenty year old ,start a cocaine habit , hang out at strip clubs, drink heavily. The few guys I know who went that route are back happily married to the original wife.[Still trying to get the business to recover from the cost of the temporary coke habit,half broke but still back in the house]. I never said I was Dear Abby.I got nothin'.

BTDT.... Do you want to fix it? If you do and she is willing see a relationship therapist. A real one. One that will be in the psychiatry department at a research university medical school. If she doesnt, or if she does get the best attorney money can buy. Not the best you can afford, not the best local one, get THE best. Otherwise you may end up with a lot less than what you are willing to give. We dont get to give or get anything in a divorce, judge determines that. What your attorney can do for you determines what the judge does.

Best money I spent in my divorce was the 2 grand on the best lawyer. My ex spent a lot more on one not as good. So, its not the dollar amount, its the quality of the work. For what its worth, I have few regrets about my divorce. Glad it happened, wish it had happened years before.

Treat a hooker like a lady and a lady like a hooker and you'll get along with all of them. (;>))

It sounds to me like you could have a lot more of a relationship, that could be a lot more rewarding for the both of you if you put a little effort into it.

it takes two to fight. it also takes two to make it work.doing things together helps, she goes to tractor shows with me, i go to garden shows with her.always kiss her good bye in the mornings , and at bed time. never go to bed mad at each other. just listen to each other.respect of each other is very important. do the dishes once in awhile when she doesn't fell good or is tired.we have had our moments but we also have been married for 38 years.

It does not sound like you even begun to talk about whats wrong. If you sit down and listen to her, you will soon learn that you will have a brand new relationship with someone you understand. This all comeing from a guy who is his worst enemy.And we've been married 17 years.Jim